Making a change for life

Let it out!!!! And then say Thank You!

2012-01-18T10:50:00.004-05:00

Scream...Yell...Cry... or just talk very bold... Today is your day!!!! I've decided to select Wednesday to have a Let it Out post and also a Thank You post. What I plan to do is to list five things that I am just fed up with and then list five things that I am so thankful for. I figure if you balance it out it won't seem so negative. And... what better day to do this than on hump day! We are on top of the hill today and it is all downhill from here! Perfect!!! So here goes...

TIME TO LET IT OUT!!!!!

1. I will be so glad when all of the political talk has calmed down. I get so bothered by everyone trying to slander everyone else to make themselves look good. I don't care what you did or who you did it with. And to top it off, RD is all about politics. We agree on some of the issues but not on all of them. We have finally agreed to disagree and try hard not to talk about. UGH!

2. I recently leased a 2011 Malibu. This is actually my second Malibu. My first one I absolutely loved. It was the best car I have ever owned. It was time to turn it in (I love to lease) so I decided to get another Malibu. They had awesome deals and rebates going that I couldn't pass up. Well... I should have passed them up. Now I understand why the rebates were so good. I have an LT and I think it is actually a LS. There are little things that they decided not to do with this LT that I tried to just forget about. No big deal... moving right along. The first major difference I noticed from my last Malibu is the breaking system. It feels like the breaks don't catch right on this one. When I took it in, they said everything checked out okay. When I went to pick it up, the service guy told me "Make sure you keep your service receipt on this one. You never know." Wow... that made me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. Then we are driving down the road and RD turns on the turn signal to go left. I noticed my turn signal sounded funny. Keep in mind I just got this car the end of May beginning of June (7 months ago!). My front left turn signal was out! I took it in to have it changed and I was told they had to take the whole front bumper off my car! WHAT???? So they had my car the majority of the day yesterday to change a turn signal light. Oh Goodness!!!! Piece of advice... don't get a Malibu!!!!!!!

3. Doctors who are jerks! We had to take Grayson to a plastic surgeon yesterday at Riley Children's Hospital. (I'll explain more later. Nothing major.) We are called back to one of the patient rooms and RD and I wait patiently with Grayson for the doctor to come in. When he comes in he introduces himself, no hand shaking or anything. He sits down and asks us what we are there for. So I tell him. He looks at Grayson's ear and then briefly tells me about the procedure. I ask him to actually explain to me the whole procedure. So he does. He was a very brief and matter-of-fact kind of guy. Not sympathetic or warm. I told him I was a little worried about the procedure and he told me Riley has 12 operating rooms running at all times. He said he is in the best place for surgery. He then went on to tell me that there are patients he deals with who have much more severe situations and they all are doing great. Okay, I get that Grayson's procedure is minor but he is still my baby! A little compassion would be nice! Thanks! And to top it off, he starts checking all over Grayson's head to see if he can find more work to be done. He even pointed to Grayson's stork kiss that is located right between his eyes. Hands off, please!

4. Amazon Mom is changing! I started purchasing diapers through Amazon Mom because I saved so much money and I was on a schedule where they would just ship them to me. Well, they are no longer doing this for free. You have to sign up for their Amazon Prime Membership. I think it is like $79 a year. I just might have to do it! I'm going to research a few different places to see if I can find diapers cheap, but man does this make me sad!!!!

5. I saved the main reason for starting this post for last! Last Sunday we had a particular family member come over to the house to see Grayson. When he/she arrived I stayed only a few minutes and then thought it would be best to go run a few errands. I think I may have been gone for about two hours or so. When I got home I instantly went over to tell Grayson I was back. He got so excited and just smiled the entire time I was talking to him. When I started to walk away, he began to cry. So, I went over and took him from this particular family member. When I went to pick him up, he/she told me he was passing gas a lot and he/she thought he might have had a painful toot which is why he started to cry. WHAT? Could the reason why he began to cry as I walked away be because he wanted his Mommy? Did that thought EVER cross your mind? When I picked him up he stopped crying instantly and was fine the rest of the entire night. Please stop being so obsessed with my son's gas! Babies toot! Adults toot! Animals toot! GET OVER IT!!!! Wow... I feel much better now.

Now... since I got that all out of my system,

TIME TO GIVE THANKS AND SHOW MY APPRECIATION...

1. While sitting in the waiting room at Riley Hospital for Children, I saw so many sick babies. There were babies who were wheel chair bound. I saw babies who had scars going from one side of their head to the other. My heart just broke. I turned and looked at Ron and told him how lucky we are to have such a healthy and happy baby. The whole entire time I was pregnant, I prayed every day that God would help me create our miracle and that he would be healthy and happy. I am so blessed that He heard me. We couldn't have asked for more with Grayson. He truly is a blessing.

2. I am appreciative of my blog, the people I have met from my blog, and other bloggers. I was seriously considering to delete this blog. I am always afraid of sharing too much information or posting too many pictures. The fear of one day having a psycho stalker crosses my mind often. It seems anymore just one small piece of information about a person can tell you where they live, how old they are, what color hair they have, etc. But, I decided not to. Lately I have read several articles about blogging. Many of them talk about how new mom's find comfort in telling their stories and hearing stories from other Mom's. It helps to know you are not alone. Other Mom's have been right where you are and they were able to get through it... whatever it might be.

3. This sounds crazy, but I am appreciative of my DVR! You didn't think all five of my appreciations were going to be serious did you? I love... love... love my DVR! I am totally addicted to the soap opera The Young and the Restless! I have been watching this stupid show ever since I was in second grade. During the summer, I would spend every single day with my friend Michelle. Her Mom was a stay at home Mom so we spent the majority of the time at her house. And because The Young and the Restless is on during lunch time, we always ate lunch and watched it. I have been addicted ever since! I use to tape it on the old VCR and now I get to DVR it. I love it!!!!

4. I am appreciative of SUSHI!!! I can't even begin to tell you how much I love that stuff. But, I will only eat the cooked kinds of sushi. I don't eat raw fish and I don't like the fish eggs they put on the tops of some. EWE... I could definitely do without those! RD and I found a place by where we live that has sushi. It isn't the best but for the price it is pretty good. And it is really fresh. So... in my opinion... you can't go wrong!!!! I love it!!!!!!

5. The other day I went to McDonalds for lunch. I drove through the drive thru because I was short on time. When the lady handed me back my debit card, she told me to have a blessed day. I remember a while back a story on the news where an employee said that to another person and it seemed to spark a lot of controversy. I have never seen the harm in it nor will I ever. I was glad she said it and that she said it to me. As silly as this sounds, it meant something to me. She didn't know and will never know how it made me feel. But it has stuck with me ever since.

Time for Bed

2012-01-14T09:15:00.000-05:00

Bedtime has always been a sweet time. Before I would get a bottle and rock Grayson to sleep. But right before he turned four months old things started to change. Bedtime became somewhat of a hassle. His routine of falling asleep quickly suddenly was nonexistent. He started to fight sleep. If he would fall asleep, the minute you laid him down he was wide awake. This went on for several nights.

When we went for his four month appointment with his pediatrician, we were told we needed to start letting him "cry it out." He told us there was no harm in letting him cry himself to sleep. He said he needs to know how to "self soothe". Our pediatrician told us if we get a routine started, like if I rock him to sleep every night, then he will become dependent on that routine. He told us him and his wife let their son cry it out for two hours straight one night. He said there were two ways of doing it. We could either do it cold turkey where you don't go in there at all and you let the baby cry until he falls asleep or you could go in there every ten to fifteen minutes and calm him down. He recommended cold turkey. RD was totally on board with this idea where as me... not so much!

Later that day, I started to search on the Internet about the "CIO" methods and the "No Tears" methods. Oh yes... they actually have terms for all of this. I had no idea! The comments that were made for either way were crazy! And... being a new parent I found myself buying into many of them. Grayson's doctor's appointment was on a Wednesday. We started this new routine that Friday. OMG... it was the worst night ever!!!!

I dreaded it the entire day because I knew what we were in for. We did his normal routine of giving him a bath, reading him a book, and then putting him in bed... but this time we put him in bed AWAKE. He screamed and cried for about an hour straight and then started to calm down. Me, I cried for the first ten minutes and tried to drink wine to help comfort me. It didn't work! After he fell asleep the first time, he woke up every hour crying and screaming again. I ended up going to bed around 10 pm because I wasn't sure how this whole night was going to play out. At 12:45 am, he woke up again and this time we both got up with him.

The one part I left out of this story is ever since we brought Grayson home he has slept in the base of his swing. I was, and still kind of am, a little paranoid that if he spit up in the middle of the night and if he was lying on his back he would choke. If he slept in the base of his swing, I could keep him at a little bit of an angle so he wouldn't choke and everything would be okay. So, to make matters worse about this whole situation, RD and his pediatrician said he needed to start sleeping on his back. Okay, so now I've admitted everything. Not only were we trying to let him cry himself to sleep but we took away his comfy little bed and he was now laying on a hard flat cold piece of whatever it is.

Okay...back to the story... so when Grayson woke up at 12:45 am, I looked at RD and I told him something had to give. We had a baby who slept so good through the night and now he is waking up all the time. I told him I thought it might be best to make one change at a time. What if we did the CIO method but allowed him to still sleep in his swing base. He agreed. We laid Grayson in his little bed after he ate and he was content and eventually fell asleep on his own. No screaming and crying!

For the next few nights, we tried the whole CIO method. Let's face it... I couldn't do it! One night I was in the laundry room with the washer running and the door closed. I could still hear him screaming and crying. I just didn't think it was right or fair to him. There is going to come a time when he is going to be too big for me to rock. He is only four months old! So, to make a long story short... I no longer put him in bed at night awake. I give him his bottle and I rock him until he is pretty sleepy. Then I lay him in his bed and he falls asleep. When he wakes up early in the morning, I lay him back in bed awake and he ends up talking himself to sleep. I feel like he is on a better sleeping pattern now then what he use to be. He knows when it is bed time and he puts his little head on my shoulder and talks himself to sleep. This is much better for all of us then letting him scream and cry.

One thing I've learned and will continue to learn is... he is our baby. It is so easy for somebody else to say what you should or shouldn't do. The bottom line is... you know him better than anyone and only you know what is best!

Grayson's Four Months Old!!!

2012-01-12T09:00:00.000-05:00

Our little baby boy turned four months old on December 26th! I can't believe how quickly time has flown by!! It seems just like yesterday I was preparing for my last day at work. Now, I'm talking about his four month stats and what he is doing. Wow... where has the time gone???

These are the things our little man is doing now-a-days:

*Constantly full of smiles!!! He is totally a morning person. As soon as his little eyes open he starts smiling. It is the cutest thing when you go in to get him after he wakes up. He gets so excited to see you. His little legs start kicking and he just giggles. I love it!

*He has found faces. He likes to reach up and grab your face or stick his little fingers up your nose. In the morning when I give him his bottle, he will look at me, reach up, grab my face and just start laughing. It is hard but I can't help but laugh back. He has also learned how to reach for peoples' glasses. So my parents are having to be careful of that. And he loves to grab hair! It's a beautiful thing that I have been letting my hair grow out. What am I thinking????

*He has started eating baby food. We started him out with cereal, but it was a no go. Then we moved on to bananas, sweet potatoes, pears, and applesauce. I'll keep all of those stories and pictures for a later post.

*He weighs 16 lbs. He is running in the 50th percentile of his age group. I was pretty happy that he is right in the middle.

*He loves to stand up. He has been doing this almost ever since he came home. His little legs are pretty strong.

*He isn't rolling over consistently just yet. We are working on it. Let's just say this is a work in progress.

*He talks constantly. It is so cute to see him talk away and to watch his facial expressions. Some times he gets a look on his face like he is so serious about what he is saying. Then when he goes to take a breath and exhales, his voice just gets louder and louder.

*When he yawns, he has learned to make it known. He is a loud yawner (if that is even a word).

*He is still sleeping very well. He goes to bed around 7:00 pm or 7:30 pm and doesn't get up until around 3:00 am. Some times he even sleeps until 5 am or 6 am.

Well, that is about all I can share with you for right now. I don't want to say to much in this post because I have so much to say in future posts.

Pictures from Christmas... Finally!!!!

2012-01-11T21:07:00.000-05:00

Benji is trying to explain Christmas to Grayson.

I get it!

I'm helping Mommy wrap Christmas presents!!!

Santa brought me this cool toy! I think I love it!

I was good this year!!!

Not bad...

This is a lot of work!

So much to post... so little time!

2012-01-11T08:14:00.003-05:00

I know I promised pictures from Christmas and still have yet to put them up. I have not forgotten. I have so much to blog about but finding the time to sit down and do it has been very challenging. It all goes back to my post on How do you do it???? . I'm going to try my best to find time tonight to post pictures and complete all the drafts I've started. I'll say a little prayer that it all works out for me! Stay tuned!!

Grayson's First Christmas!!!

2012-01-05T07:40:00.001-05:00

Christmas this year was extra special for RD and I since we had our little Grayson. We received so many "Baby's First Christmas" ornaments that I can't wait to decorate his little Christmas tree with all of them next year. And I'm happy to say the beginning of our family traditions began!

Mom and I went to church on Christmas Eve as we have been doing for several years now. This year Pastor Reeves said so many things that touched me a lot deeper than ever before. I found myself with tears running down my cheeks. I felt as though he was talking to me. He spoke about how you are never alone because God is always with you. He went on to say that if you believe in God and if you trust Him, He will help you through the tough times you experience in your life. He said you have to listen to Him and you have to believe. Because of the situation I was and still am in with this particular family member, it really hit home. I left church that night with a feeling of relief. I knew He would be with me as I faced all the family members who might have possibly been involved with this whole mess. I knew it was going to be okay and I knew what I had to do.

After church, Mom and I went back to our house where my Poppie and RD were. We ate Chinese food and I made my cookie recipe. I would share it with everyone, but they weren't all that great. Mom made snicker doodles and they weren't all that great either. I guess it is a good thing Grayson is still young and isn't real sure what is going on just yet. This leaves time for Mom and I to become expert cookie makers!

Christmas morning was a little stressful. I was trying to make my dishes for the Christmas gathering and I was trying to make sure Grayson had a nap. Thanks to my Poppie for coming over and helping me get Grayson to sleep. I ended up messing up my cheese ball which found its way into the trash, but it was all good. My parents and RD went to the clubhouse where everyone was getting together and I stayed behind at home waiting for Grayson to wake up. Once he got up, I got him ready and off we went. I was a little nervous but I knew what I had to do. I had to stay in control of the situation and I had to stay in control of Grayson. I'm the Mom and I couldn't let anyone make me think or feel otherwise!

I think because there were so many people there, this particular family member was occupied with everyone else and didn't focus on Grayson. Grayson did really good being held by people he didn't know. He was full of smiles all day long. I tried my best to stay as far away from this family member as I could, but there were a couple of times when she came over by me. I just smiled and responded to whatever it was she would talk about. But I always kept my responses short and to the point.

I am so happy everything went well. I am happy nothing was said and nobody had an attitude. All of RD's other family members were great with me and my parents. It was as if nothing happened and nobody was offended by anything. For Grayson's first Christmas... I can honestly say... it was awesome!!!

I'll post pictures tonight. :)

Stress + 2 Weeks = Flare Up

2011-12-22T08:54:00.002-05:00

Shortly following Thanksgiving, RD and I found ourselves facing our first family complication as new parents and as a newly engaged couple. It seemed Grayson wasn't comfortable with a close relative. Each time she would hold him he would begin screaming and crying. As hard as it was for me to see him so upset, I would do my best to hold off taking him and allowing her to try to calm him down. When I felt enough time had passed and her techniques were not working, I would step in and take him. This happened twice on Thanksgiving Day. To make a long story short, she requested to watch Grayson for a half day during that following week so she could spend alone time with him in hopes of them bonding. I didn't think that was the best solution at this time. I'll admit I began having a panic attack when this idea was brought to me. I couldn't imagine Grayson being that upset for four hours with nobody around that could calm him down. I couldn't do it. So, instead, I made the suggestion for her to come over to our house a couple of times with us there before she babysits him by herself. I thought it would be best to allow for him to get to know her in his environment. And then once he is comfortable enough around her, she is more than welcome to come over and babysit him. I didn't realize how this simple request could turn into the mess it turned into.

Needless to say, a lot of hurtful things were said on her part about me. Somebody I thought really liked me and was excited that RD and I were together, suddenly felt very different. I was no longer a good Mom in her eyes. My parents were smothering Grayson and Grayson would be better off at a daycare than with my parents during the day. This went on for about two to two and a half weeks. The constant back and forth via text messages of hurtful things. I couldn't believe what was being said and I couldn't believe how something so simple turned out to be so horrible. I tried to explain where I was coming from but nothing seemed to work. Every time her name was brought up to me, I would go from having knots in my stomach, to being so angry I wanted to explode, to just crying because I had no other way of letting it out.

Since this whole explosion, I have been around her three different times. She is acting as if nothing ever happened. Shortly before the first time I came face to face with her, I received a text message saying, "You know how I feel and I know how you feel." Well, she didn't and still doesn't know how I feel. I respect her enough to keep my thoughts and comments to myself. But, she on the other hand couldn't do that so yes I do know how she feels. I find it very hard to be around her. I don't want to look at her. I have nothing to say to her. I am very hurt from the things she said. I'm doing my best right now to go along with her "nothing happened" routine because we are all suppose to be together on Christmas. I refuse to let anything or anyone ruin Grayson's first Christmas. His first Thanksgiving will be a reminder of all of this beginning. I don't want his first Christmas to have any bad reminders. So, I'm praying all comments remain unsaid!

Because of the stress I have experienced through out the past weeks beginning with Thanksgiving, I am now welcoming my wonderful monster back into my life. Yes, my UC is back with a vengeance. Normally I would call my GI doctor and let him know before it gets too bad, but I don't want to do that this time. The last time I saw him he wanted to do genetic testing on me that insurance does not cover. I was told the tests are very expensive. Then he wanted to put me on strong doses of different medications. I don't want to do that either. I know the cause of my flare ups. I just have to learn how to deal with the stress so I don't have to worry about dealing with the consequences. It never fails, I get stressed out about something, I wait two weeks, and I find myself in pain running to the bathroom.

I stood my ground with this particular family member. I feel RD is trying to stand beside me but some times teeter totters. Now that I am finding out who she really is, her comments and actions are not effecting me as much as they were before. I'm learning to not care about what she has to say or what she does. Grayson is our son and we have to do what we feel is best. If she doesn't like it then I'm sorry.

How do you do it?

2011-12-21T15:03:00.003-05:00

Last night I had a little bit of a break down. It was just a little one, but one that has finally allowed me to throw my hands up in the air and ask, "How do you do it?"

Ever since I went back to work I have been struggling to get the simple things done in life. For example, grocery shopping. When do I go? And because of the way my mind works, when I think of one thing I need to do it seems like I begin to think of a hundred things I need to do. Before I know it I a ton of bricks have falling on top of me and I'm buried in all the rubble.

My number one goal for 2012 is not to lose weight. It is not to give up certain foods or beverages. It is not to be nicer to people. Nor is it to compliment one person every day. Instead, it is to figure out a way to prioritize my life. I need to figure out a way to get everything done that needs to be done.

I was thinking I need to have set days to do things. Like going to the grocery store every Wednesday to get enough food for one week. Or sitting down on Sunday night to schedule all of our bills that need to be paid. And even though this idea sounds great, I know the likely hood of it sticking is probably slim to none. I will do it for a week and then when something interrupts my awesome schedule, I'll end up not going back to it. Ugh!

So, this is goal number one for next year! Time to figure it out!!! I need to figure out how to:
1. Do all the laundry.
2.Go grocery shopping.
3. Clean the house
4. Pay the bills
5. Figure out dinner each night
6. Clean bottles
7. Fill bottles
8. Get Grayson's things ready for the next day
9. Get my things ready for the next day
10 Spend time with Grayson
11. Spend time with RD
12 Allow time for myself (HA... that's a joke!)
13. Spend time with Benji, our dog and my first baby.
14. Watch my favorite DVR shows (Young and the Restless!!!)

Whew... that is all I can think of for now. Oh and my day begins at 4 am, so by 8 pm or 8:30 pm I'm ready to crash!

How do you do it?????

Temper Tantrums????

2011-12-20T09:00:00.000-05:00

So, I have to ask... is it possible for an almost four month old baby to have temper tantrums???? I feel like this little dude has me right where he wants me and when he doesn't... he knows how to get me there. I am totally being manipulated my by own son.

When Grayson was a few weeks old we found out he had colic. He would scream and cry for three hours straight. It was began at 6 pm and ended around 9 pm. By 9:20 pm he was out cold... sound asleep. The screaming and crying stopped for a while. When he did it, it was always when a certain somebody would hold him. (Different post for a different time.) My Mom has mentioned to me that one minute he will be as happy as can be and then the next minute if you don't do something quick enough he is throwing a fit. I didn't believe her until last night.

He didn't really take good naps yesterday. We were kind of on the go and his naps were always cut short. He was as happy as can be but he acted a little tired. We did bath time and everything was going great. We were playing and he was just talking up a storm. Then he started getting fussy. So, I knew it was time for him to eat so I went in and fixed him a bottle. I think it was a little too hot for him so he started crying. Horrible Mommy... I know. I felt bad. So, I made him another one. When I went to give it to him he spit it everywhere. So, then I thought he didn't want a bottle after all. He broke out into the biggest fit he has thrown in a long time. He was screaming and crying. He was holding his breath he was crying so hard. Finally after trying to calm him down, I sat him on the table and tried to get him to look at me. I told him, "No, No, No." Of course I didn't yell at him because he is only a baby and I can't do that. He began calming down a little. I got him to calm down enough and I tried once again to give him his bottle and he was fine.

I think he throws these fits when he is really tired and fights sleep. But man... he sure has a set of lungs on him!!!!!

Christmas Family Traditions

2011-12-19T14:35:00.004-05:00

With all the hustle and bustle of our everyday lives theimportance of family and Christmas gets lost in the shuffle. Instead of taking a minute to remember whatChristmas is all about, families are busy planning their Christmas Dayschedules. Kids are taught to quicklyopen their gifts because their time is limited. Before they know it it’s time to pick everything up and move along tothe next place on the list. Our regularlives are busy enough… can’t we take just one day to throw away the schedulesand not worry about where to go next?

I always said when I had kids I didn’t want to have to takethem from place to place. This didn’tmean if you wanted to see us you had to come to our house or else. This meant, if it was possible, both sides ofour families would come together and celebrate the holidays together. Whatever happened to the saying, “The morethe merrier?” For the past two years RDand I have done just that! RD and I rentthe clubhouse where we live and both his family and mine get together andcelebrate Christmas as one big family. We all bring different foods to eat so we have plenty to munch on. RD and I bring our Kinect which keeps thekids busy and totally wears them out. Wedo a $25 gift card exchange for the adults and we all get to celebrateChristmas with all the kids at one time. To me, this is how Christmas should be and this is the very firstChristmas tradition that RD and I started as couple. I love it!

Now that we have Grayson, I have been thinking of otherfamily traditions I would like to start. Two that I would like to do for sure are:

1. BuyGrayson a little Christmas tree. Eachyear we will let him go and pick out his own ornament. For the early years, Mom and Dad will have tohelp out a little. But this way he canhave his very own Christmas tree decorated with ornaments he has chosen.

2. Mom and I will bake Santa’s cookies together forGrayson to leave out. The catch of thisone is both of us must not select a cookie recipe we have made before nor havewe tried before. Mom is actuallycheating this year. RD asked forsnickerdoodles as one of his Christmas presents. We have all had snickerdoodles but she claimsshe has never made them. I told her Iwould let he slide this year but next year she will have to choose something different. My hope with this tradition is Grayson willwant to help us when he gets a little older. We’ll see!

I have a few others I’m considering but just not sure yet.

Christmas is going to be the first holiday for our familytraditions to begin. Up next… I’mthinking Valentine’s Day or maybe I’ll wait until Easter. J You never know!!!

Oh Honey...

2011-12-06T15:00:00.001-05:00

My conversation with RD last night...

RD: "Have you talked to your doctor?"
Me: "Actually I'm going to my doctor this Friday, why do you ask?"
RD: "I think you need to ask her about your belly. I feel like it should have gone down more by now."

Oh honey! Thanks for letting me know I still have weight to lose from having a baby! God love ya!

I'm actually four pounds away from my pre-pregnancy weight. But... I think the weight has shifted all around. And... being five foot... four pounds is a lot and could make a difference. I keep telling myself it took nine months for me to gain it, I have to give myself some time to lose it. So far so good... but I'm still working on it.

Jealousy

2011-12-01T12:35:00.006-05:00

As I try to put my words together to express my feelings, I find my thoughts are all over the place. I'm trying hard to organize them, but it seems to be very difficult. I am learning words are just that... words. They can not be taken back once they have been said. They can not be erased once they have been written. Their meaning lingers on forever. I am learning that some times words can be the most hurtful of all things. Cuts and bruises heal and eventually fade away. Hurtful words will stay with you forever.

Being a Mom...

2011-11-29T12:30:00.001-05:00

Being a Mom has definitely changed my whole world. The change I am referring to goes a lot deeper than the obvious. I have found love I never knew existed. I have found strength I never knew I had. And I have found happiness I’ve longed to experience.

I was wrong...

2011-11-03T20:08:00.000-04:00

today isn't better than yesterday. It is actually worse.

Back to work

2011-11-03T15:58:00.002-04:00

I never wanted to be a stay-at-home mom. Matter of fact, I couldn't understand how anyone would even want to. I always told RD not to worry. It wasn't something I wanted to do nor was it something I would even consider doing. I want to be a career mom. I want to be the bread winner one day. Staying home just wasn't for me... until... Grayson came into my life. Suddenly what I thought I could never do, I wanted more than anything. During my maternity leave, I refused to think about going back to work. Each time I did I would feel sick at my stomach. So, I thought if I don't think about it maybe it will go away. As my time drew closer and closer I knew I had to face it. Sunday night before I was to return, I broke down. RD had no idea what was wrong with me. I came clean and told him I wanted to stay home and take care of our son. I told him I didn't want to leave him that I couldn't leave him. The more I thought about going back to work the more I realized my 24 hours with Grayson was going to quickly be decreased to about two hours with him during the week and then I would have Saturday and Sunday. It broke my heart and opened my flood gates. We hadn't planned on this idea therefore we weren't prepared. RD tried to be as understand as he could be and as sympathetic as he could be but I knew I had to go back. Monday morning came and my Poppie walked in the door at 6:30 am. I had just got done shedding my tears and started to dry it up. It was time to go but I didn't want to. On my drive to work all of my thoughts were on Grayson. I pictured his little smile, hearing his laugh and little coos... everything I was going to be missing. Work wasn't too bad that day. Everyone was excited to see me. I tried hard not to call home or text my Poppie too much. I had to be strong. When I got home I was exhausted from not getting much sleep the night before and then being at work all day. I tried to quickly get everything done I needed to do so I could spend time with my little boy. But before I knew it, my time was up, he was so tired and fell right to sleep. My 24 hours turned into 30 minutes. I broke down once again and just cried. RD looked at me and asked me if I was going to be able to handle all of this. My only response was, "I have no choice." Tuesday came and more tears were shed. It seemed as though Tuesday was worse than Monday. I realized on my way home from work that I didn't care if anything got done. I was going to put it all aside and spend time with Grayson. Wednesday was the first day I didn't cry. I got teary eyed a couple of times but I didn't shed any tears. Today seems to be a little better than yesterday. But it is still so hard. I put pictures up of him at my desk and I find myself looking at them all the time. It helps but it doesn't replace the time I wish I had to spend with him.

I know I'm not the only new Mom that has experienced these kinds of feelings. I know women do it every day. I also know this is suppose to help me in some way but it doesn't. My heart breaks every morning when I walk out that door. There is comfort knowing my parents are watching him and I don't have to take him to a daycare. I just miss him like crazy.

Life after pregnancy...

2011-10-28T20:41:00.002-04:00

CHALLENGING.

but...

Oh so rewarding!!!!!!!

Our Precious Baby Boy

2011-09-08T19:42:00.006-04:00

Grayson Carter has finally arrived! He made his grand entrance into the world on August 26, 2011. He weighed 8 lbs and 9 ozs. He was 20 inches long.

I was scheduled for a C-Section due to him being in the breech position. We arrived at the hospital around 9 am with all of our things ready to stay for the next three to four days. When I got to the maternity unit, they showed us where our room would be and then it was time for me to get prepared for my surgery. They got the IV started, they put a catheter in my arm, and then we waited until it was time to go back.

This is RD and I before we went into surgery.

This is RD and my Mom right before they came into the surgery room.

I was very happy that the anesthesiologist allowed both my Mom and RD to come into the surgery room with me. I think it provided comfort to RD with my Mom there and it provided comfort to me also.

Before they came into the surgery room, the anesthesiologist put in my spinal block and prepped me for what was to come. I do have to say the spinal block hurt like something else!!! The numbing medicine he used did not set in with me at all. He tried two doses and it still hurt so bad. Finally he was able to get the spinal block in and everything was great. My Mom and RD came into the room and I was so happy to see both of them. A little time passed and I looked at RD and asked if they had even begun doing anything. I guess at that time they were already half way through. They had a bit of a hard time getting Grayson out. His little butt was way far down in my uterus. They had to really work to get him out. At 11:58 am, he was out and showing us how strong his lungs were. He was so big!!! I couldn't believe how much he weighed. RD stayed by my side until our little man arrived. Then he went over to greet him and put on his first diaper.

I arrived back in my room around 12:15 pm and they set us all up. RD fed Grayson his first bottle because I was pretty drugged up by the morphine they give for the pain. It was so amazing to see RD holding his son feeding him his first bottle ever. I held him for a little bit, but my arms felt so weak I didn't want to push it. I was afraid I would drop him or something would happen. It wasn't until the next day I was able to really hold my son.

We stayed in the hospital for about three day. It felt so good to be home! My Mom came over and helped out the first night with Grayson's feedings. After that we were on our own. RD stayed home with me for the first week and then I was on my own. The first few days were tough trying to figure out how to get everything done between feedings yet not exhausting myself and adding more pain to my incision. After the third day, I think I might have it down. Although tomorrow could be different. Grayson is doing really good and going about three to four hours between feedings. I really couldn't ask for more considering he will be two weeks old tomorrow.

Having a little one has totally changed my life. Not ever day is a good day but not every day is bad. No matter how tough my days or nights get, I would not change anything for the world. I love this little guy more than anything. He is truly our precious little boy!!!

38 WEEKS!!!

2011-08-19T08:19:00.002-04:00

YAY...we are almost there! 38 weeks today and still chugging along. My feet, ankles, and legs are more swollen now than they have ever been. Some times I feel like I have to really force my legs to move. I have all sorts of energy, but trying to get my body to do what I want it to do is becoming a challenge. Let's face it... I'm really big now! It is all out front and I believe it is all baby. Yes, I know I'm going to have weight to lose when all is said and done, but I've done my best to keep my weight gain at right around 30 lbs. So far... so good!

I haven't heard back from my doctor's office as to when they are going to schedule me. I'm still praying for very soon! I know they have to wait until I am 39 weeks before they will induce or do a C-Section. That would put me at next Friday!!! Let's go C-Section!!! Wow... I never thought I would be so excited about having a surgery done. But this one... I can not wait!!! I am so excited and I get more and more excited with every passing day!!!!

Other than the normal aches and pains, everything is still going very well. His little nursery is coming together great! We are going to go to Babies R Us this weekend to buy the last few items that we need. Car seat is in place in the car and the bags are almost all packed. :)

There is one thing I haven't mentioned in any of my blog postings. What our little man's name is going to be. As much as I want to post it... I'm going to wait until he arrives!

Update...

2011-08-17T13:04:00.003-04:00

My doctor's appointment went well yesterday. We did an ultrasound and found that little man is truly breech. He is actually in the position they call "Frank Breech." What this means is he looks like he is literally bent in half. His legs are straight up by his head. My doctor tried to move him around a little bit but he would not budge. How he got himself in this predicament I will never understand. Because of his position we will definitely be doing a c-section. My doctor doesn't think he will flip around because there isn't much room for him to turn. I guess he is stuck like he is until our scheduled date. We aren't sure exactly when that date is going to be. I'm guessing (or maybe hoping) sooner rather than later. We'll see!

Our ultrasound tech also gave us an estimated weight for him. Holy Toledos! Based off of her figures she said he is about 8lbs 2 oz! BIG BABY! But she said that he could also be 7lbs 2 oz or 9lbs 2 oz too. The doctor I saw after my ultrasound doesn't think he is 8 lbs. She thinks it is more like 7lbs. I like that size better but I guess if I have to have a c-section then his weight really doesn't matter too much. I've been told babies born bigger sleep better at night so maybe this is a blessing. :)

I should know more later this week about when we will be scheduled. I was actually hoping to hear back from our doctor today, but so far I haven't heard anything. RD and I are putting the finishing touches on everything. Now that we know our time is completely running out, we are trying to finish it all up. He is so funny with all of this baby stuff. You can't help but laugh! I think we are going to be so funny being parents. We already laugh about everything now... I can only imagine what life is going to be like once this little dude gets here. I am sure we are going to have plenty of fun times ahead!!!

The end is near!

2011-08-15T08:05:00.002-04:00

This past Saturday, I took my last and final child education class. RD was unable to attend so my Mom filled in for him. The class was titled Fast Track to Childbirth. Let me tell you... fast track it definitely was! The class started out with a video that showed different women going through different phases of labor. All of them choosing not to have an epidural. My first thought was... this is not encouraging. If you have ever seen a woman in labor with no pain medication... then you know... it isn't fun! The class lasted all. day. long! It was literally from 9 am to 5 pm. We got a hour for lunch which Mom and I decided to stay at the hospital and eat at the cafeteria. We watched a few videos and she showed us all the different instruments and possibilities that could happen. Oh Wow! After sitting through this class I decided I'm okay should I have to have a C-Section because of him being too big or him being breech. Before I was scared and didn't even want to hear the word. Now, after my class, I'm okay with it. They don't cut your stomach muscles anymore. They just simply move them out of the way. Sounds crazy doesn't it! But the best part of all is you schedule your surgery, you know what will happen when you arrive at the hospital, and 30 minutes or so later you get to see your little one. Ahhh... not so bad after all. I guess I will find more information out tomorrow at my doctor's appointment. I am so excited for tomorrow to come. I get to see my little one and find out all sorts of information about him. Come on Tuesday... 3:30 pm!

I am technically full term now. If anything should happen then they will not stop labor. They will just let me go as long as everything is okay. With each passing day, I get more and more anxious for him to come out. And with each passing day, I get more and more uncomfortable! He is totally straight out in front of me. I have to sit straight up. Bending over to get anything... HA! Ya right! I'm ready to get rid of heart burn and indigestion. And I'm ready for a new wardrobe! I have been limited to what I can and can not wear. I'm ready to wear regular jeans again.

Over the weekend I continued to get things ready for him to come. I had a second shower at work last week and we got so many cute sleepers and outfits. So, I spent Saturday night and Sunday morning doing his laundry to get everything washed up. I believe for the most part we are ready for him. His bag is packed for the hospital. We have the pack n play set up in the bedroom ready for him to come home. I plan on making a list today of everything else RD and I need to get done before he gets here. I will post pictures of the nursery as soon as everything is in place. I'm thinking it should all be done this week!!!

Not long now! We have a maximum of 14 days left!!!! Boy I hope these 14 days go fast!!!!!!!

My thoughts today

2011-08-11T09:07:00.000-04:00

After my doctor's appointment the other day, I had so many thoughts swimming through my head. I was upset to hear he could be breech right now but I told myself there is still time for him to turn around. I was also upset to know he might be a big baby. I am not a big girl by any means. I am only 5 ft tall. But I had to tell myself I needed to look at all of this in a different way. If he is breech it is okay, they may have to do a C-section but then the stress of pushing will be off of me and I will get to meet my little guy before I know it. If he is a big baby, then I know he is healthy and I guess I did everything the way I should have done it. Once all of those thoughts calmed down, I started to think that in 18 days I am going to have a little one. My life will no longer be dedicated to only me. It will contain a little defenseless human being who will trust me with everything. The worry and the fear of the labor and delivery part really began to go to the way side. I could only think about meeting him, looking into his eyes, and seeing everyone around us so happy he is now part of this great big world. What an amazing gift I have been given.
Everyone has been telling me to enjoy my last few weeks of freedom... but what they don't understand is I would give up those last few weeks of freedom to have him here that much sooner. Yes, I am really uncomfortable and I can't wait to feel normal again, but I mostly can't wait to see him and take care of him. I'm not afraid of the sleepless nights, the many diaper changes (being peed on:)), the cleaning of all the bottles, all the extra laundry I will have to do... none of it. Because I know it will all be worth it.

D-DAY IN 19 DAYS!!!!

2011-08-10T08:32:00.002-04:00

My doctor's appointments have now gone from every four weeks... to every two weeks.. to every week. My appointment yesterday involved my doctor doing a small exam, checking me to see if I have dilated any, listening to the heartbeat, measuring me to see if I am measuring correctly, and feeling to see if the little one is still head down. Our little guy's heartbeat was 140 bpm and going strong. We are not sure right now if he is actually head down. The last time my doctor checked me about a month or so ago he was head down but this time he had a hard time telling. So with my next appointment next Tuesday, I will have an ultrasound. I was excited about having one last ultrasound before his big arrival day! I'm hoping they will be able to do a couple 3D pictures. I'm also hoping by next Tuesday if he is in breech position he turns his little self around. He is constantly moving. No, I don't mean kicking... I mean moving! Next it was time to be measured. He measured me three times and each time told me we were going to have a big baby. BIG BABY?????? WHAT????? When I was born I weighed almost 8 pounds. RD was seven pounds and some odd ounces. I don't really know what my doctor's definition of "big baby" is. But I have to take into consideration that for 40 days straight I was on Prednisone which only helped him get bigger and stronger. I am sure we will be able to tell more next week when we have the ultrasound. Next up... time for the exam and to be checked. HOLY CRAP!!!!!! I have not felt so much pain in any of the times I have ever been to see my OBGYN before. It hurt so bad! He kept telling me to let him know if it hurt and the whole entire time I kept saying, "OUCH!" He told me I was dilated 1 cm. As soon as he walked out of the room the tears began to fall. I could not believe how much it hurt. Out of all the horror stories I have heard from other friends, this has never been the topic of conversation. I decided to make my next appointment with another one of the doctors in the practice. This time I decided to go with one of the female doctors and maybe it won't hurt so bad. Maybe???!!!

This coming Saturday we will be 37 weeks and considered full term. The eviction notices are going to start flying for him to get out. I have had enough fun playing and now I'm ready for it to be over. Even though my due date is September 2, we have set an induction date on August 29th. So, if he doesn't come out on his own, he will be forced out on the 29th. 19 days and counting!!!!!

All Star Baby Shower

2011-08-07T21:24:00.003-04:00

My baby shower was awesome! We had the All Star Sports theme. When you walked in the door we offered two different types of beverages. You had the option to choose an alcoholic or a non alcoholic drink. The non alcoholic drinks had sparkling grape juice with frozen blueberries. The alcoholic beverages had champagne, peach nectar juice and frozen blueberries. I must say both of these drinks were a huge hit!

The decorations were so creative and neat. We used RD and my favorite sports teams to decorate the room. We used the Colt's, the Cubs, Boston Red Sox, Purdue, IU, and then we general basketball items and soccer items.

Above the gift table we had our own score board.

One of the gifts I received was this awesome diaper cake. The All Star sign is actually a night light. Yes, this diaper cake contained electricity. They ran an extension cord through the center of it so the night light would light up. Thank you Kira and Debra! It truly was an awesome diaper cake. I actually started to take it apart this past weekend. Sorry guys!

The table below had the party favors. For party favors, we found the sports mugs at Target. We decided to fill them with It's a boy! Hershey Kisses and mints that were wrapped with sports wrappers.

On the bathroom doors we had signs that said, "Men's Locker Room" for the Men's restroom and "Women's Locker Room" for the Women's restroom. For the food, we offered tailgating food with some what of a female twist. RD's Mom made pulled BBQ pork sandwiches, we had a vegetable tray, fruit tray, buffalo dip, cheese queso dip with chips, meatballs, and little BBQ smokies.

I had the best turn out. Almost everyone we invited attended. We got a lot of great gifts. I am so thankful for everyone who helped to make my shower the best ever!!!

I Believe!

2011-08-04T09:14:00.001-04:00

I have always been a big believer in, “Everything happens for a reason.” I might not always understand why I am going through what I am going through especially if it is something that is totally taking everything I have to keep myself together. But deep down, I always knew I just had to hang in there because the answers would eventually come.

When RD and I first got together I was not sold on the idea of ever getting married again. I had done it once and once was enough for me. It was a bad relationship and an even worse marriage. Getting out wasn’t easy but something I knew I had to do. After things didn’t end well, I began to lose faith in the idea of marriage. I didn’t understand the meaning of it anymore. To me it became just a piece of paper that is signed and a bunch of work to have my name changed. I lost all hope.

About a year or so into my relationship with RD, my feelings about marriage began to change. I was learning how to love the way love should be. I was learning to trust. And I was learning how to let go of the fears I had held onto for so many years. I was becoming more secure within myself and within my relationship with RD. I was finally able to experience how it all really should be. I was happy and I had definitely fallen in love.

As time went on he and I began to get closer and closer. He was not only my boyfriend but he was definitely becoming my best friend. I could turn to him and tell him anything and everything. I could rely on him. I could trust him. All of these wonderful feelings I had never felt before… for once in my life… I was feeling.

The idea of marriage began to circle in my mind. The thought of taking that leap of faith once again became something I was willing to consider. I began to feel this time was going to be different. This time was real. This time was forever. But… did RD feel the same way???
We decided to take the next step in our relationship and go a different direction then most people would go. We took the “whatever happens… happens” route. After about nine months of somewhat trying, it happened! We found out we were pregnant. We were both a little scared but also excited. We are still awaiting the arrival of our little baby boy. He is due to come in about three and a half weeks or so! (Keeping my fingers crossed it might be sooner than that!) Life was really beginning to change for us. Now we are going to become parents. Being a family and being together was now more important to me and to RD than it ever was before.

Last weekend RD surprised me and took me away to Michigan for the weekend. We’ve wanted to go to Michigan ever since we got together. Finally, we were getting the opportunity to go and we took it. It was absolutely beautiful! The beaches are so clean and so pretty. We stayed around St. Joseph, Michigan. I couldn’t believe we drove less than four hours to get to a beach. It was so awesome! One night while we were there, RD took me to a nice dinner and then we were off to the beach to watch the sunset. Sunsets are something he and I absolutely love. After the sun went down, it was time to head back to the car so we could go back to our room and prepare for the next day at the beach. Right before we were about to get up, RD said, “When one day ends another day begins. Will you marry me?” I couldn’t believe it! My reaction was, “Are you serious?” He pulled out a ring box and opened it up. Inside was a ring with three diamonds. It was beautiful! I said, “Yes!!!” I was so excited and so happy. He then told me the diamonds on each side are from his Grandmother’s ring. The flood gates opened up and the tears began to fall. I felt so special and so loved by him. He told me he wanted me to have a piece of his grandmother. They were so very close. It was an amazing night. One of the best nights of my life!

So to say everything happens for a reason is oh so true. I had to experience everything I went through with past relationships in order to know what true love really is. I have no regrets from my past. God knew what he was doing and I thank him for putting me through it all. I’m stronger now and I am able to be in a relationship where somebody truly does love me the way I should be loved. There isn’t anyone in the world more perfect for me than RD. He really is my everything! I can’t wait to spend the rest of my life with him and our son. There is so much goodness in store for all three of us. Once again… I believe!

Adorable Nursery

2011-07-26T20:53:00.008-04:00

Our little man's nursery is the best ever! A few weeks ago our friends, Niki and Thomas, came over and spent a Saturday with us. Thomas is an artist and agreed to paint whatever we would like him to paint on the walls of our nursery. After several days of searching pictures online and in books we finally found the perfect picture. We printed the picture off and Thomas went to town. Everything he did, he did free handed. It looks amazing!!!!

RD started the room out by painting it all blue.

Final total blue out come!

Thomas painting the grass.

The awesome tree.

The best part... the dog house and the dog. This looks just like our dog, Benji!!!!

The clouds he painted are awesome!

He also added a few awesome touches to match the bedding we selected. They were perfect!!!

Our little man's nursery is so cute!!!! I might be a little biased, but I think it is the cutest nursery I have ever seen. We have since put up his bed and we are beginning to get everything put in the appropriate place. When everything is organized I will post final pictures. I just had to show off what how awesome it looks!!! We are so excited and so happy with the outcome!!!! I am so thankful to both Thomas and Niki! Thank you guys so much for taking the time to come over and do this for us! We really appreciate it!!! You guys are awesome!!!!!

Overwhelmed soon to be parent!

2011-07-12T11:16:00.003-04:00

I thought about holding off writing this post because I have not had the best of mornings. If anything could go wrong... it was this morning. But, I am having thoughts that I really want to get out. Since this is the place for me to do that... I figured what better time than now while everything is fresh on my mind. :)

I have watched so many friends who have children and I have always thought to myself... how do they do it? I think I may have even done a post before asking myself how in the world am I going to take care of everything plus another little human being. Well all these overwhelming thoughts came right back into my mind this morning as I was running around the house trying to get ready for work. The whole time I'm running around stressing out over everything little minute I'm late, I look in at RD who is sound asleep in bed. I can only think to myself, "Hmmm... must be nice!" He doesn't have to be at work until later and lets face it... I feel as though he has life pretty easy. With that thought in mind, I start thinking of all the ways I wish he would just grow up. Then the more I think about it, the more I realize I need to do to do the same.

I really do not know what life is going to be like taking care of a little one. I know what it is like taking care of a dog and sometimes Benji makes me want to pull my hair out (like this morning for example). I realized this morning it is time to stop hitting the snooze button 5 times and get up once the alarm goes off. I realized I can't stay up until 11 pm watching TV when for starters I'm not sleeping well through the night and for another reason I have to get up no later than 5:30 in the morning to make it to work on time. But I know that all of these things are only going to get harder. Sleeping will be harder because I will be up throughout the night with our little bambino which will make waking up on time harder. The time I have in the morning to get ready will be lessened because I won't just be getting myself ready to go but I will also be getting him ready to go. But one thing I know will have to change and that is RD sound asleep in bed while all of this chaos is going on. Time for a small change! And I know this will take some doing on my part because it is time for me to stop trying to be superwoman and do it all. It is okay to ask for help especially from the man who lives with you and is a HUGE part of your life. I don't have to do it all. Time to rewire my brain.

With all that said, I guess it is time to start working on going to bed earlier and waking up earlier. Considering I only have about 6-7 weeks left. And I'll work on everything else in time. I know it will all come together and I will find ways of making extra time. It is just so overwhelming to think about it all at once. Deep breathes! I can do this!!! We can do this!!!

Happy Birthday, Dad!

2011-07-06T14:41:00.003-04:00

Dear Dad,

Happy 65Th Birthday!!! I hope you are enjoying your new life up above! I can only imagine you went and played golf today as part of your birthday celebration. And I'm guessing you might have had a few drinks while doing it or you could be saving that part for the evening celebration. Down here on this great earth we are missing you like crazy! It has been three years since you got the call to go home. As hard as it was to watch you go, we all knew it was best for you. I miss our talks. The other day I went back through our emails. Believe it or not but I have kept each and every one. I try to read them every now and again but it still doesn't seem all that easy to do.

I want you to know I learned a lot from our relationship. You might not know it but you taught me so much. The good times we had I will keep them with me always. The bad times, I will not forget but no longer dwell on. You were a good Dad and would have done anything for us. For this, I will forever be grateful.

I can't wait to tell Baby D all about you. He will definitely know who his Grandpa Jamison was and is. He will know that he can always talk to you just like Mommy does whenever she wants to. And even though he might not see you or hear you, you are always right there in his little heart.

Well, I will let you get back to your birthday celebration. Happy Birthday Dad! I love you and miss you!

Happy Belated 4th of July

2011-07-05T10:28:00.001-04:00

It was sooo good to have a four day weekend. Of course it wasn’t long enough because they never are. I didn’t really get anything done that dealt with preparing for the baby. I had a list of things I wanted to try and accomplish but it didn’t work out that way. Instead we ended up car shopping on Friday night and all day on Saturday. When I say all day on Saturday I mean all day on Saturday! We ended up finding exactly what we wanted. RD got a brand new Jeep Wrangler Unlimited Sport. It is so awesome! I use to have a Jeep growing up. I have always said I would love nothing more than to have another one. It seems like each time my lease is up, I always end up going for a different car then the one I’ve always wanted. His Jeep is just awesome! I can’t say that enough. It is four doors so we have plenty of room for when the little bambino arrives. We got to take the front tops off of the Jeep off the rest of the weekend and enjoy the sunshine. I can’t wait until we take off the entire top and the doors. Oh the fun we are going to have!!! (Side note: Yes, I know you cannot have the doors and the top off with a baby in the car.)
Saturday night we ended up going to watch fireworks that were going on in a local town. They weren’t the best, but I love fireworks. In the beginning the baby didn’t really react much to them. But towards the end when they were lighting one after another, he didn’t like it very much at all. He was moving around like crazy. It was almost like he was trying to find a place to hide. Poor little guy! Once they were over he was better and he calmed down. I guess we won’t be attending any firework shows anytime soon.
11 days until my shower! I’m so excited! It has been a really long time since I have had all of my friends together so I cannot wait! RD is excited because his guy friends are having Man Shower for him. I believe they are all going to hang out at the bar, but I’m not exactly sure what all their Man Shower contains. Whatever it is, I know they will have a good time.
I have been asked by many people if we have a name picked out for this little guy and the answer to that question is nope. We find one or two we like and we stick with them for a little bit and then we end up finding something wrong with it or we decide it just doesn’t work. I really do think it is going to be a game time decision. I’m okay with that though. At least this way we will have something to surprise everyone with when he arrives.
As for me, I am so ready for him to get here. Today is kind of a bad day. I’m really tired from staying up late last night (we watched Due Date… funny movie) and it just seems like I hurt today. I get these days where I can feel myself getting bigger. I think today is one of those days. I know I still have about two months left to go. I can do this!!! I have no choice J

Don't be afraid

2011-06-27T08:47:00.003-04:00

Last Friday I had a follow up appointment with my GI doctor. I truly do love my GI doctor. He is easy to talk to, understands my problem, and is really funny. At this last appointment, I learned it was okay to challenge the treatment he wanted to start me on. I learned it was okay to say, "How about we wait."

I have been in a flare up for quite a few months now. I blame myself 100% because I let it go on too long before I made the decision to see my GI doctor. I did this for the simple reason being I didn't want to be put on Prednisone. Well, guess what... I'm on Prednisone. I must say I have learned my lesson about letting my flare ups go on too long. I won't be doing that again regardless.

At this appointment he asked me how I've been doing and I told him I believe it is slowly getting better. I told him I am still having the pains and I am still getting up in the middle of the night. But I made sure he knew that from the last appointment I had with him to this appointment I have improved. He told me he believes I have aggressive inflammation. He told me he would like to start me on a treatment that is more aggressive than what I am doing right now. I asked him if it would affect the baby and he said he didn't think so. Ummm... you don't think so??? He asked me if we could start out by doing the research and then go from there. I agreed, not knowing exactly what the research entailed, and I proceeded to the check out counter. Keep in mind I am still weaning myself off the Prednisone and he is already ready to try me on something different. I get to the check out counter and the girl tells me he has ordered specific blood work. I said blood work? She then explained to me that some insurance companies do not pay for the blood test he had ordered. She said the test could run me around $200. What???? So, I asked her if it would be okay if we held off on doing any of the blood work he had ordered which would mean holding off on the new treatment he wanted me to be on. She asked him and he was okay with my decision.

I understand the treatment I am on right now is not working as quickly as what it maybe should be, but I do believe I am slowly getting better. In my opinion, I felt as though we should wait and see how I am going to do with finishing up the Prednisone and then going from there. If I finish the Prednisone and I go right back to being as bad as I was before then I will be willing to try a different treatment. But without knowing this information, I would much rather wait to see. I was glad he was okay with my waiting but I learned a very valuable lesson. Don't hesitate to challenge the doctor. Yes, they do know medicine and they are going to be able to help you to get well. But, you know your body better than anyone. You know what is going to be best for you. Challenging them doesn't necessarily mean you are questioning their judgement. It just means you are making sure you are doing what is best for you. So, don't ever hesitate to ask questions or say no. It just might be the best decision you make.

I currently have 16 days left of my Prednisone. We did up my Asacol prescription. He assured me that the Asacol will have no affect on the baby what-so-ever. Out of the past five days, I have had two days where I did not get up in the middle of the night. I think that is big progress. The bleeding has stopped which is huge! I just think everything is going to take some time to heal. I am still struggling to gain weight. I'm holding steady at 16 pounds total. I go see my OBGYN doctor tomorrow. I am anxious to see what he will have to say to me. I'm trying everything I can to intake more calories but I am struggling. I've come to the conclusion as long as my baby is doing okay and gaining the weight he should be gaining, then I will worry about me once he is born. But until then... I'll keep on keeping on!

Pregnancy Woes :)

2011-06-23T11:01:00.002-04:00

I have 100% entered into my seventh month of pregnancy and my third trimester. I know I have moaned and groaned about my colitis and how it has been causing me such havoc. Good news is I think, and I say that very lightly, it is beginning to get better. I'm not going to the bathroom as often as I was although I am still going more than I should. The pains I get don't seem to be as often, but when I do have them they are killers. The bleeding has almost completely stopped which is what I have been praying for. The pains are bad but the bleeding was worse. So, I am very thankful for that has almost completely stopped. But aside from my colitis I haven't mentioned too many horrible pregnancy symptoms... until now!

I want to be totally honest with everyone about my experience. I know everyone is different and different symptoms will effect different women. So here are mine...

1. You might read that some of the symptoms you experienced in your first trimester come back to you in the third trimester... well believe it! I didn't have morning sickness in my first trimester but I do now! I have a package of saltine crackers in the middle console of my car, at my desk at work, and three at home. They work!
2. Another symptom from the first trimester that has come back in the third, tiredness. During the first few months of my pregnancy I was asleep on the couch by 8 pm. My second trimester I could almost push 11 pm. Now... I'm back to 8 pm. If I am not at home or if I am doing things around the house, I can totally tell you when it is around 8 pm because I start to get so tired.
3. Food aversions... I have done good this entire time without having anything I really could not stand. Well, that has all changed. MINT... anything mint does not work for me. I struggle every morning and night to brush my teeth. I gag the entire time. Mint gum, can't stand it. I have started chewing regular flavored bubble gum (sugar free of course) just to be on the safe side.
4. Swollen feet and ankles... Check! My right ankle began swelling up when my colitis got to be really bad. I thought it would go away when I began taking Prednisone. Nope... it didn't. It has only gotten worse and my left ankle and foot have joined it. I sit with them propped up on a box under my desk at work and then when I am at home I do what I can. I'm trying hard to stay a sleep on my left side at night because it is suppose to help with the swelling but I'm not sure how well it is working. When I woke up the other morning my ankles weren't swollen but my feet looked really fat. I'm also trying to up my water intake because I was told drinking more fluids will help flush the fluids already in me out. My feet look like Fred Flinstone's feet!
5. INDIGESTION!!!! Everything gives me indigestion!!!! Because of this and because of my uc, I have had to give up all carbonated beverages. It just hurts too bad to drink them. And I think it makes my pains worse too. I have become best friends with my Tums Extra Strength Smoothie flavor. I take them every where I go and if I am about to eat something I know is going to have an effect on me, I eat one right away.

I could go on and on and on about all the different things I am experiencing that I would have never thought about before. I have learned pregnancy is a whole new life style. The little things you took advantage of before you got pregnant you will soon learn to appreciate. I won't go into details here but I'm sure every woman who has been pregnant before knows exactly what I am talking about.

I know the end is near and trust me... I am counting down the days. As much as I have tried to be a good pregnant person I do still have my moments of complaining when times get tough. No, it doesn't take away from my appreciation of being given this gift of life. I thank my lucky stars every day for it. But come on... not everything is always going to be rainbows and butterflies!

Let the shower countdown begin!

2011-06-22T14:36:00.003-04:00

Aren't they too cute???? This is an example of my baby shower invitations. When my Mom and I saw them we couldn't pass them up. We found them online at www.storkie.com. The idea that all of the information is printed on there when you order them sold me! I didn't want to have to write everything out.

My shower is on Sunday July 16th. I can't wait! We went with a sports theme and decided to decorate using a few of mine and RD's favorite sports teams. He is for Purdue and I am for IU so we used both of those along with the Indianapolis Colts and the Cubs! I was able to find so many decorating ideas through other websites online. I will definitely do a post with pictures so maybe I can help out somebody else who would like to do a sports themed baby shower one day. I had to take myself out of my girlie world and put myself into a guys world for this one.

We have had some minor speed bumps along the way with my shower. But, it has been okay. Mom and I picked up the slack and now I have several friends who are asking to help out. I think it is going to turn out to be a lot of fun. Really, that is all I am hoping for. I want everyone who is able to come to have a good time and enjoy themselves. That's what it's all about right??? I really can't wait to post pictures and all of our ideas!

24 DAYS TO GO!!!!

I'm ready

2011-06-21T09:00:00.001-04:00

The other night RD and I were laying in bed talking about all the possibilities of how soon our little man could be here. If I don't get better with my ulcerative colitis, he could be here in as little as eight weeks. If my ulcerative colitis does get better than maybe we would have more like ten weeks before we get to meet him. I asked RD if he was ready and he responded and said, "Yes." I told him I think he is going to be more hands on of a Dad than what I think he might be. He just turned and smiled at me.

I have waited for this day to come for so long. I honestly got the the point where I didn't think it was going to happen for me. Now, knowing how soon it could happen, just melts my heart. I find myself day dreaming about all of the things I want to do with him. While I'm sitting on the couch watching TV, I see myself hold him, playing with him, cuddling him. I see RD rocking him to sleep, making him laugh, and being the proudest Dad ever. This is our little man.

We talk about what he is going to look like or who he is going to look like. I hope he has RD's blonde curly hair. We hope he has light colored eyes and my eye lashes (I have really long eye lashes). I hope he is as tall as RD and not as short as me (I'm only 5 feet.) RD hopes he has a head size like mine and not like his. He claims he has a big head. All in all, I just pray he is healthy and a happy little guy.

We have so many plans for this little man. We have talked of things we want to do with him and places we want to take him. All the things we want to teach him and can't wait for him to learn. I hope he is polite and a mannerly young man. I hope he is good to all people and treats women with nothing but respect like his father. I hope he is kind hearted and learns to help out everyone with limitations of course. I hope he is motivated and wants nothing but the best for himself in life. Most of all, I just hope he is happy.

As our time gets closer and closer, I get more and more excited. I truly can not wait to meet him!

First Experience

2011-06-20T10:19:00.002-04:00

RD and I had our first experience with newborn education this past Saturday. We went to a Newborn Basics class that was given at the hospital where we will be delivering. The class began at 9 am and lasted until about 12:30 pm. To be honest, I think it went pretty quick.

I didn't learn as much as what I hoped I would learn. A lot of what she talked about with us I already knew from babysitting or taking care of my nephews. But I think it was good for RD to go and learn all the things he didn't know before. Now he can change a diaper, calm a crying baby, bathe the baby, and even swaddle them to sleep. :) He's going to be so good!

I will share one fact that I did not know before this class. We were told that if your baby is cold, you are suppose to hold them close to your left breast. Your body has a way of knowing this and will warm the baby. If your baby is hot, you are suppose to hold them close to your right breast and this will cool them down. I had no idea! My Mom, who is an RN, didn't even know this. I guess it's true... you learn something new every day!

For us this means one class down and one more class to go. At the end of July, I signed us up for another fun day of baby education. Our second class is called Fast Track to Childbirth. Let me tell ya, RD is not looking forward to this class at all. I am because I think it will be filled with a lot of good information about labor and delivery. But knowing this class is going to last ALL day long doesn't really thrill me or RD. This class is from 9 am - 5pm. I was told they give you breaks every hour and you get a hour for lunch. It will be good for us... both of us. And besides it is only one day.

Mind at ease...

2011-06-16T14:49:00.002-04:00

I met with an OBGYN this past Tuesday. It wasn't my usual OBGYN, but I have seen this doctor before and I really like and trust her. I came in with what felt like 100 questions and she was kind enough to take the time and answer them all. The good news and the best news of all is my ulcerative colitis is not harming the baby at all. Whew! That was a big relief to hear.

She did explain to me the side effects of taking prednisone while pregnant. She explained to me that your body produces a natural steroid when you go into labor to help you deal with the stress of the labor. When you take prednisone during your pregnancy, the prednisone suppresses your body from making this specific steroid naturally. So, when you go into labor your body may or may not produce this specific steroid. She told me they will make a note that I was on prednisone during my pregnancy and therefore I will need to have a dose of liquid steroids put into my IV just in case to make up for the natural steroid that my body may or may not produce on its own. I did a little research and found other women who have had to have this and they all have said there was no side effects from it nor could they even tell they had it.

I currently have a new nick name for our little man. Currently he is known as my little sea urchin. He is basically sucking the life out of me. My doctor told me a woman's body is created to protect the unborn fetus before it will protect itself. So, all of my nutrients and everything else I need is going directly to him. What he doesn't use then gets left over for me. Awe... thanks little man! So, right now he is known as my sea urchin.

I will have to have another ultrasound between now and the time I am full term. They will want to check the baby's development and fetal size. One thing with women who have ulcerative colitis is they could have low birth weight babies. Going into labor early is another side effect of having ulcerative colitis. We did discuss this possibility and she told me if were to go into labor before 37 weeks they would have to try and stop it. But she said there is a chance they could induce me at 37 weeks depending on if I am getting better or not. If I'm not getting any better than my chances of delivering at 37 weeks is pretty high.

I am now taking an iron supplement along with drinking Gatorade to help bring up some of my levels that are currently low. Today has been a good day so far. I've been able to eat a little more and keep it in longer than I was able to do the past few days. So, I have to be very thankful for that.

Overall, things are going better. I feel better today and I have much relief after speaking with my doctor. I just have to keep praying things will only continue to get better and not worse. One day at a time!

Just go away...

2011-06-13T09:18:00.002-04:00

Last Friday I called to get the results from the blood work I had done at my GI doctor. I was told that I am mildly anemic and moderately malnourished. The medical assistant told me I needed to up my calorie intake. She recommended that I start drinking meal replacement drinks along with what I normally eat. I asked about taking iron supplements for my mild anemia and she recommended I speak with my OBGYN before taking anything more than what I'm taking already. The good news is... I go and see my OBGYN tomorrow.

When I was first told I needed to increase my calorie intake I laughed it off and made the joke about how I could just eat more cake. It was a joke to hide the fear. The fear of... what in the world is going on with me right now? What have I done and how do I fix it?

Over the weekend I tried so hard to eat more and to intake more calories. But let's be honest, you might think you are starving and then after about five bites you are so full you can't even sit up anymore. The bigger you get while you are pregnant leaves less room for your stomach to expand for food. And then with ulcerative colitis, no matter what you eat or how much you eat... you lose it shortly after you have consumed it. It seems like a never ending vicious cycle.

I have fallen back into fearing going anywhere after I have eaten. I immediately look for the bathrooms when I walk into a restaurant. I dread going to sleep. RD doesn't understand and I know this... but with it being summer he likes to go to the park after we eat dinner. I wish so much I could feel free enough to do that, but I actually fear it. I did it once and had the worst pain with no bathroom in sight. I try everything. I try to tell myself that I am not going to let my UC win and that even when I have a pain I am not going to go to the bathroom. I eventually give in because I just can't hold it any longer.

The sad thing to all of this is I really have had a good pregnancy. But now I fear everything. I fear what kind of stress this is putting on him. If I am malnourished does this mean he isn't getting enough either. I, at one time, feared gaining too much weight and now I am finding myself losing weight. I honestly wish I was farther along in my pregnancy so they could induce me and I would have peace of mind knowing my son is safe. Along with being malnourished, you also have to fear dehydration. If I am dehydrated, does he have enough fluid? Hopefully my OBGYN will be able to answer all of these questions for me when I go tomorrow.

I have to keep chugging along even though I am so tired and exhausted from it all. I wake up three and four times a night running to the restroom. I just have to remind myself I only have twelve more weeks left... if that. I can do this. I can fight this vicious cycle and I can win. Some days I believe it and other days... I just don't know.

Pregnant Woman on Prednisone!!!

2011-06-06T09:30:00.000-04:00

For those of you who know me you know I don't really care for conflict. Many times I will find myself agreeing with somebody just to try and avoid hurting their feelings. Or if somebody asks me a question, I will do my best to tell them what I think they want to hear. So, word of advice people... if you want an honest answer from me on how something looks... don't ask! If you want me to tell you what I think you want to hear... ask away! Not always am I like this but for the most part I can be.

Now... fast forward to today... I am not the least bit like that today! It all started yesterday when all these thoughts began to pop in my head of the things I would really like to tell people. I don't think I am a raging kind of person (Roid Rages), but I think if somebody where to ask me a question I would definitely answer them with my most honest answer. If I don't like something... I'm going to tell you. Hey... you asked so why can't for one short period of time I be honest? Right? And no, I'm not going to be rude about anything I'm just for once not going to put up with rude comments or people acting disrespectful. Thank you, Prednisone and pregnancy hormones! You guys are the best!!!

Stay tuned!!!

Pay Backs!

2011-06-06T08:36:00.003-04:00

For everyone who cussed me out when I admitted I did not have morning sickness during my first trimester... you can stop now. I am experiencing it now and it is not fun! I had to pull over again this morning on my way to work because I thought I was going to lose my Chocolate Cheerios. Luckily I didn't. But this whole nausea stuff is not fun. So... all of you who wished bad on me... I've received it!

Results from my doctor

2011-06-04T09:30:00.000-04:00

I had my appointment yesterday morning. Things went as I thought they would go. I do have to say I absolutely love my GI doctor. He laughs with me and even though he doesn't seem me all that often, I feel like he remembers me. I told him my symptoms, my reasons for not wanting to come and see him earlier, and the reasons why I decided to give up. He said, "Absolutely I'm going to put you on Prednisone." Dang it! But, if this is going to do the trick and I'm really hoping it will, then I have to do what I have to do.

So, for treatment this time around, he has upped my Asacol dosage from 2400 mgs to 3200 mgs. He decided to put me on probiotics for a month. He also told me that probiotics have been shown to help control ulcerative colitis. Hmmm, not sure why I haven't been on them before but it's okay. I'll let that slide. :) And then I am going to be on 20 mgs of Prednisone for 10 days, drop down to 10 mgs for 10 days, and then go off them completely. Because I am so sensitive to medicine, I am not able to get a higher dosage than 20mgs. He also did blood work on me to test my Vitamin D level, my iron level, and my blood count. I've been feeling really weak and just down right exhausted lately. It could be the pregnancy, but I would rather be safe than sorry.

Before I am able to start my Prednisone, he asked me to check with my OBGYN doctor. He said he wouldn't think and hasn't know Prednisone to have an effect on the baby, but he wants me to be 100% sure just in case. He did tell me that doctors give pregnant women a strong dose of Prednisone if they should go into labor before or around 32 weeks because it helps strengthen their lungs. The only thing I could think of is great! Give this little guy steroids so his kicks, punches, and moves are that much stronger. Yikes! I might be a beaten and battered woman when this is all said and done.

So, this is where I stand as of right now. I'm pretty dehydrated so I've been trying to drink as much liquid as I can. Hopefully this will help me feel better too.

Stay tuned for more to come!!!

I'm still waiting to hear back from my doctor to get the green light. If I got to do it, then I want to do it now. Going through what I'm going through is not fun.

Guys just don't understand!

2011-06-03T09:37:00.002-04:00

The other day I was listening to Cosmo Radio as I do every morning on my way to work. Taylor, the host of the show Wake up with Taylor, was talking about how when the time comes for her to get pregnant, she believes her husband should have to abide by the same restrictions she has to abide by. For example, she doesn’t think he should be able to drink any alcohol, eat sushi, or eat deli meat. (The deli meat part makes me laugh but I know some people are straight by the book and that is okay.) She was talking with her co-host, Kenny and trying to get him to see her point. She feels if she has to give up all these wonderful things for them to have a child she thinks he should partake in it too. I’m sorry… I couldn’t help but laugh at everything she was saying.

When I first got pregnant I seriously was not sure what to expect. I thought it would be easy to give up all the things you are suppose to give up. No big deal… right? And besides… it is only for nine months. Piece of cake! It is totally true what they say about when you can’t have something that is when you really want it. I’m not a big drinker and never have been. I might have one or two socially but that’s about it. Oh and I love to drink a cold glass of wine after a rough day. But when the time came and I couldn’t have any of it… yep… that’s when I wanted it the most. I am proud to admit I haven’t and won’t give in even though it is said one glass of wine is okay to have when you’re pregnant. I don’t want to take any chances. And now I’m going through not being able to do simple things such as bend over to tie my shoes or pick up something off the ground. I can no longer ride a bicycle or hop on the motorcycle and take off with RD. I can’t do anything that deals with balancing. And when it is super hot outside… I get nauseous. I guess what I’m saying is… the food and beverage part of pregnancy is just a small piece of the puzzle. There will be so many other things you will miss that you won’t be able to do as long as you are pregnant. And… will the guy or your significant other understand… Heck No! I try to explain my frustrations to RD, but he doesn’t understand. I feel that no matter what restrictions you are able to talk them into… it still isn’t the same as going through the real deal.

And just when you think it is over and you have the baby… some of those same restrictions will apply if you decide to breastfeed. Once again… they will never understand!!!

I'm normal!!!!

2011-06-02T09:07:00.000-04:00

So, I sucked it up and went in last Friday for my three hour glucose test. I have to admit the time did go by kind of fast but I was still pretty hot just for the simple fact I had to be there and felt I shouldn't have been. It was quite comical to hear the girls in the office tell me how shocked they were about how angry I got. One of the gals who has known me for a long time now didn't think I could ever get so mad like I was. Oh yes... I was a bit ticked. But I have to tell you about how my test went down. I thought I was going to bite this poor girl's head off. Actually, I think I almost did.

When I got to the office at 8 am, they took my blood. The girl who did it is the girl who always does it and she is really good. You really don't even feel a thing. After that blood draw, I was told I had to drink this wonderful tasting flat Sunkist in five minutes time. It really isn't that bad... I promise. A hour later this other girl comes to get me to do my blood draw. Ummm... not the normal girl who does it but okay. So, she preps my other arm, I turn my head, and she sticks the needle in. Yep... I can totally feel this one. Next thing I know, she looks at this lady who is in there with us and says, "Did I do something wrong?" WHAT????? ARE YOU F'ING KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW???? I was not happy at all. I turned me head and looked at her. She took the needle out and the other lady came over and took a look at my arm. She tells me I have little veins. Ummm... no I don't! I have never had any one have a problem taking my blood or finding a vein. Can't you see them lady??? They are not little!!! So, then this lady asks me for my other arm. I told her nope, that one was drawn on the first time and I read I am suppose to rotate them. So, she looks at me and tries again in my right arm. She explains to the girl that maybe the vein rolled on her and that is why it didn't work. As they take their time getting the second needle prepped, they have the rubber band on my arm and I'm a squeezing this stress ball. The one lady looks at me and asks me, "Does your arm hurt?" Trying to be as nice as I possibly could in this situation, I said, "Well, the circulation is being cut off so ya." I have to admit I saw red everywhere! I was livid!!! She finally finishes the process and I go back to the waiting room. I was so angry I was ready to go off on the first person that spoke to me. After the second hour, it was the normal girl who came to get me. I told her all about it and she agreed with me. I don't have small veins and the girl totally messed up. She apologized for not being there to do it. She and another gal went on a donut run! WHAT????? Don't tell me that! I haven't eaten since dinner the night before, I'm starving, some girl just tried to play doctor on my arm, and you are talking about eating donuts!!!!! Oh help me!

Needless to say, it was over with before I knew it and I was so relieved when it was! As soon as I left the doctor's office we went and got something to eat and boy did I feel better afterwards! But the best news ever is that I am okay and I do not have gestational diabetes. Whew! That sure is a relief!!!

I give up!

2011-06-01T09:05:00.001-04:00

Although I feel defeated, I’m totally exhausted and I finally realized I’m being silly. I was trying so hard to beat my monster on my own. I feel like I have been taking Asacol for so long now that my body has become immune to it. It isn’t working anymore. I don’t know what I have done or not done. All I know is I am giving up and praying now that my doctor will be able to help me.

With all the online research I have done and by what my GI doctor has said, my UC should have no effect on the baby. I kept thinking to myself, knowing this, if I can avoid taking any medication that might have an effect on my little one then that is what I’m going to do. I’ve tried changing my diet. I’ve tried to eliminate any stress possible. I tried taking all of my Asacol at one time. I tried taking it at three different times throughout the day. I feel like I have tried everything and nothing is working. After praying 100 times a day for relief, I have finally decided enough is enough. I don’t need to try and be superwoman.

I do fear going back on Prednisone for many reasons but I have to trust my doctor and I do. I know he will prescribe me whatever medicine he feels will be best for me. I am really looking forward to seeing him this Friday at 9:15 am! And… until then all I can do is pray for relief!

My Dearest Ulcerative Colitis,

2011-05-26T09:50:00.003-04:00

You have been with me for quite some time now. We have shared many pains and bathroom trips together. As fun as it has not been, I think it is time for you to go. I think you have definitely overstayed your welcome. I lived without you for a long time and I have to admit it was very nice. Then when you decided to come back into my life I thought for sure the Asacol would run you off. I have had no such luck.
I ask you for my little one's sake if you could please leave again. I'm sure the gurgling and growling you seem to cause is keeping him up more than he would like to be. Yes, I understand you want him to be use to noise so he will sleep through much more when he is out in the real world, but I also think it would be good for him to sleep as much as he can while he is still growing. I'm sure you can understand.
So, please pack your bags and exit out... for good! You are no longer welcome here.

Sincerely,

Me

Things you NEVER say to a pregnant woman...

2011-05-25T09:00:00.000-04:00

The more I grow the more comments I get the appreciation of hearing. Here are just a few...

1. "You're getting fat!" (Why thank you!)

2. "Are you sure you aren't having twins?" (Uh... Yep... I think I would know by now.)

3. "I bet you are beginning to grow out of your maternity clothes." (That's the dumbest thing I've heard!)

4. "Hi Chubba Bubba." (I am almost seven months pregnant!)

5. "You are just growing every day." (I am? I didn't even notice.)

People can be such idiots some times!!!!

Glucose Test Update

2011-05-24T09:00:00.002-04:00

The more I thought about my glucose test last week the angrier I got. So, I called my doctor's office back and asked if there was any way I could take the one hour glucose test again. The nurse I spoke to told me that because my first test was already in the system that they would not allow me to take it again. I had to still come in for the three hour test. So, I explained how I was a little upset because I was not told anything in advance. She recommended I say something to my doctor about it the next time I go. The day my test was scheduled, I didn't see my regular doctor I saw another doctor within the practice.

Now on my day off this Friday, I get to sit at the doctor's office for THREE LONG HOURS and have my blood drawn FOUR TIMES! I am still not happy about it at all! I feel like I could have totally avoided this if they would have just mentioned something to me before I came in. Ugh... this is just crap!!!

Kinda Scary

2011-05-23T10:53:00.001-04:00

This morning while I was driving to work I began feeling a little nauseous. It was nothing major and I was pretty sure I could just talk myself out of it. As I drove down the road the feeling started to get stronger. I began looking around my car for something I could use just in case. When I pulled up to a stop light to turn left, the light actually turned yellow but I knew I had to go through it. I had to pull over as quickly as I could because I felt like I was going to totally pass out. I pulled over not even knowing if I was in the street or on the side of the road and put my car in park. I just sat there for a little bit and the feelings of both getting sick and passing out seemed to pass. I was sweating like crazy and I really looked as pale as they come. Part of me wanted to turn around and go home but there was another part of me that told me to keep on going and go to work. Because I was feeling better I decided to go ahead and go to work.

When I got to work I started doing my online research, which I know a lot of doctors prefer you didn't. I found that it could have been a number of different things. Because he was moving around after this happened, I knew he was okay and it was nothing to serious to worry about. I'm still feeling okay so I'm not going to worry about it. If it happens again then I will for sure call my doctor.

Resentment... Nah... I can't.

2011-05-20T08:03:00.002-04:00

Yesterday I received an email from a friend who is inviting several people down to his family's property to go camping over Memorial Day weekend. There are going to be 4 wheelers, kayaking, swimming, great food and great times with friends. At first I thought about how much fun it would be. I love camping and being outside. And then I remembered there is no way I would be able to sleep in a tent on the ground. I have enough problems sleeping in my own bed so I know I wouldn't make it sleeping on the ground.

When I got home last night I began talking to RD about it to see what his take was on going. He said he thought it would be fun too. While we were talking he brings up going on a solo motorcycle trip. Solo... meaning him and only him. He said he would like to take his motorcycle and go to North Carolina to see his sister. I guess the look on my face said it all. He knew I was bummed because I would love to go with him. I can't say I didn't get a little upset about the idea because I did. Then I began thinking...

A woman becomes a mother the day she finds out she is pregnant. Her whole life changes. There are so many things she can no longer do that she wishes she could do. A father doesn't become father until the little one arrives. Then his whole life changes. But in the mean time, life as they have always known it continues on until that day.

Trying to sort through my thoughts and feelings about his request to want to go solo on a trip, I came to this realization. I can't resent him for wanting to go and enjoy the time he has right now. I can't because there are so many things I am able to do and experience that he can't and will never be able to. I can feel little man moving around all the time. I know when he is awake and when he is sleeping. I am getting the chance to assist God in creating a miracle. RD will never be able to say that. And when Little D is born, I can look at him and know that I did everything I possibly could to make sure he was safe, healthy, and happy while he was preparing for his journey into this world. RD can't. So, how could I be resentful when I get to experience so many things he never will?

I do have to say on the flip side of this, I told him to enjoy the time he has now because I know there will be times in the future when I am going to want to go on a girl's trip or when I'm going to want to do things and he will have to care for Little D. He agreed.

Nobody told me...

2011-05-19T11:51:00.002-04:00

Yesterday I went in for my 24 week doctor's appointment. I also got the joy of having my glucose testing done. I will admit I was a bit anxious beforehand. I didn't know what to expect with this drink I had to drink so I was a little nervous. Some people I talked to told me it was really bad and thick. Other people said it didn't bother them at all. After drinking it, my consensus... not bad at all. It really tasted like flat Sunkist. I had no problem drinking it or keeping it down.

So I drank my stuff and then went in for my cervical measurement. This was actually my last cervical ultrasound that they will do for the program I was on. My doctor told me they stop at 24 weeks because I am out of the danger zone. If I did have an incompetent cervix, it would have happened by now. Great news!!! While doing the ultrasound, the ultrasonographer noticed little Baby Dalton is breech. Yes, I was a little nervous but I know he still has plenty of time to move and turn and play until he makes his big debut.

Thankfully, my doctor told me everything looks and sounds really good. I was all set to go and schedule my next monthly appointment.

Today, I received a call from one of the nurses at my doctor's office. She told my my level was a little high and they would like for me to come back in and do another test... the three hour test! I failed my glucose test!!! WHAT??? The cut off is 140 and mine was at 154. The more I talked to her the more questions I asked. She finally told me that because my level is not that much above the cut off level, it could have been something I ate. Well, let me see here... for breakfast yesterday morning I had two Eggo waffles with syrup. For lunch, right before my appointment, I had a half sandwich, a cup of soup, and two glasses of sweet tea from Panera Bread! BINGO! She said she thinks that is what threw my levels off. So why didn't anyone tell me when I scheduled this appointment to watch my sugar intake before coming. Maybe common sense should have told me not to eat anything sugary but it didn't. I have just been focused on not eating anything fried and staying away from carbonated drinks because of my UC. I knew I couldn't drink Diet Pepsi for lunch so I opted for tea. Ugh...

So, now I have to go in next Friday to have the big three hour test done. I have to fast and thankfully my test begins at 8 am. They will take my blood when I first get there. I will drink more of that wonderful flat Sunkist. Then for every hour after I drink it, they will take my blood. If I fail two out of the three blood draws then I will be diagnosed with gestational diabetes. She told me it really isn't too big of a deal if I am in fact diagnosed with it. She said it could mean I could have a big baby. Keep in mind... I'm only 5 foot tall! But, she is thinking I am okay. Ugh... why didn't anyone tell me???????

My piece of advice for anyone who is going for a glucose test... DON'T EAT OR DRINK ANYTHING WITH SUGAR IN IT BEFORE YOU HAVE THE TEST!!!!!

24 Weeks and Counting!!!

2011-05-17T11:04:00.002-04:00

Pregnancy Highlights:

How Far Along: 24 Weeks

Size of baby: Ear of Corn

Total Weight Gain/Loss: 14 pounds total (I can't believe I'm telling the world.)

Maternity Clothes: Mainly pants. I've branched over to some of the maternity shirts. I love yoga pants!

Gender: It's a BOY!!!

Movement: Yep! My Mom felt him move this past weekend. She was so excited. He moves a lot more now than before. Or I should say I can feel him more more now than before.

Sleep: It's hard and I know it is only going to get harder. I'm just trying to get by. I continue to tell myself I only have a little over three months left. I can do this!

What I miss: Sleeping on my stomach and drinking a nice cold adult beverage of my choice!!!
Cravings: I don't really have any. Maybe french fries.

Symptoms: I get this tingling feeling right below my breast bone. Sometimes it even feels numb. I looked online and found a few different explanations for it. One said it might be my ribs stretching. Ouch... sounds painful. Another suggestion said he could be kicking nerves and that is causing me to feel a tingling sensation or numbness. I go to the doctor tomorrow and I plan on asking him about it. I'll let you know what I find out.

Best Moment this month: Feeling him move around is the best feeling ever... even if it makes me a little nauseous sometimes. It gives me the reassurance I need in order to know he is doing okay.

On other notes:

I wish my colitis would go away... at least for now or until our little man is born. I have begun having pains again that really bother me. Then it is a rush to the bathroom. The only good that comes from the rush to the bathroom is knowing the pains I am having are due to my UC and not the baby. I am still on Asacol. I take 800 mg three times a day. I learned the hard way I can not eat foods high in fiber nor can I drink orange juice. I tried low acid orange juice yesterday and I was in pain all day long. I just keep praying it will go away for now. I feel sorry for our little man. I'm not sure how he sleeps with all the noises from my stomach. Maybe this is a good sign that he will sleep through anything since he is able to sleep through so much now.

Besides my UC, everything else is going good. I have to take my glucose test tomorrow and I have my last ultrasound. I'm not looking forward to drinking that stuff but I know I have to. The last time I was at the doctor's office I saw another girl drinking it. It looked really thick and it looked like it was orange flavored. Oh dear! The last colonoscopy I had I used the orange flavoring to drink that stuff. So, I'm a little nervous. Maybe they will have a different kind and she just chose orange. I will keep my fingers crossed!!

We haven't decided on a name for him yet. We are still tossing around a few ideas. I really didn't think it would be this hard to pick out a name but it truly is. To think he has to live with this for the rest of his life is a lot of pressure. But I know whatever name we decide to go with, he will be able to make it his own and it will fit him perfectly!

We have started painting the nursery. I am so super excited to see what it is going to look like when it is all finished. I don't want to give too much away as I'm trying to keep it some what of a secret from a few people. I'll just say we are having a friend of ours do artwork on the walls. I think it is going to be awesome!!! This little dude is going to be so lucky!!!

Okay... more to come later!

Holy Cow! I have discovered the love of yoga pants!

2011-05-11T09:48:00.000-04:00

The past few days, I have noticed myself getting bigger and bigger. I’m close to entering my sixth month of pregnancy and it shows. I have been struggling so bad with finding clothes that work. My struggles have left me frustrated and sometimes just downright ticked. My whole life trying to find clothes in general has not been easy because I am so short. I am only five foot tall. Now, trying to find maternity clothes has become even more of a challenge. Very few stores carry maternity clothes anymore and if they do, they are not in petite sizes or what some stores refer to as “short.” So, I have been buying regular sizes and then taking them to my wonderful alterations lady to have them hemmed. I’m learning the true difference of pants that are made petite and pants that are made regular. There is more of a difference than I thought.

When I woke up on Mother’s Day and went to take a shower I felt huge! I understand this is all part of it and getting adjust is just another part. With everyone coming over to our house for Mother’s Day, I wanted to look cute. And considering this is my first almost Mother’s Day to celebrate. I switch shirts a couple different times and I throw on my jeans. I didn’t think I looked too large until I saw the pictures we took. Wow… what was I thinking? My jeans fit a little big but I didn’t think anything of it. Now looking back at the pictures… they are not working. Too big! Monday I wore a pair of khaki pants I bought from Old Navy. They are regular size maternity pants that I had to have hemmed. They too are a lot bigger than I thought they were. I found myself all day long pulling them up. I even had a lady come up to me at work and ask me if I was having twins. Oh yes… I wanted to smack her! But she is an older lady and I just told myself she doesn’t know any better. But then again… she was right. The types of clothing I have been wearing are too large. Just because I am pregnant doesn’t mean I have to wear clothing that is two sizes too big.

My internet search began! I started looking up ideas for maternity fashion. I wanted to see what other women were wearing and how they were pulling outfits together. I have not gained an extreme amount of weight and to be honest I’m actually right in the weight zone I should be in. Different tips I found were to accentuate the parts of my body that have not gained weight and then wear a soft top that isn’t too snug to accentuate my baby bump. I found sites that talked about wearing leggings and other pants that fit just right instead of wearing big baggy pants that only make you look larger than what you are. (My problem!) And of course all sites said to find a good fitted pair of jeans because you will wear them often. I remembered a few weeks ago what my hair dresser suggested. She said wear yoga pants. When she made the suggestion the idea sounded great but I wasn’t quite sure how to pull them off. That was until yesterday!

I have a pair of normal, non maternity, yoga pants that I wear around the house and sometimes when I’m bumming it I wear them out to run errands. They aren’t real tight fitting and they flare at the bottom like some dress pants do. Yesterday while I was getting ready I decided to give it a try. I threw on my black yoga pants and a grey and black shirt that was kind of long with a pair of black dress shoes and off I went! I loved it! I didn’t feel like I looked large and in charge. My butt and thighs didn’t look like I should be trying out for the women’s football team. I actually looked like a well dressed pregnant lady. I could not have been happier with myself and my outfit. So yesterday I got online and ordered a couple more pairs of yoga pants in the “short” size from New York and Company and let me tell you… I cannot wait to get them!

With summer coming up, comfort is going to be my number one goal. Staying cool and collective will be my second goal. I plan now to find some tops that flow and will look good with my new yoga pants. And, short or not… those long cotton dresses are going to be all me!!!!

We made it half way!!!!

2011-04-15T10:23:00.005-04:00

Pregnancy Highlights:

How Far Along: 20 Weeks (Sorry, I missed the 16 week mark)

Size of baby: small cantaloupe

Total Weight Gain/Loss: 10 pounds total (I can't believe I'm telling the world.)

Maternity Clothes: Mainly pants. I still have a few pair that fit me as long as I use my trusty rubber band. My shirts are just regular shirts.

Gender: It's a BOY!!!

Movement: Yep! Some times when he moves it makes me nauseous.

Sleep: I'm adjusting to sleeping on my sides but it isn't easy. I tried a body pillow but it was too long. I'm only 5 ft and I think the pillow was just as long if not longer. I had to take it back.

What I miss: Sleeping on my stomach and drinking a nice cold adult beverage of my choice!!!

Cravings: I don't really have any. Maybe french fries.

Symptoms: I have been feeling my skin stretching and pulling. Then every now and again I will get a pain that feels like I have pulled a muscle in my belly. But I know it is just me stretching for the little one.

Best Moment this week: Nothing specific. Just knowing I have made it half way is exciting enough for me!!!

Random Things I've Learned Over the Past Few Months...

2011-04-01T11:51:00.008-04:00

I’ve learned friends can be considered really good friends one minute and then take advantage of your friendship the next minute. Hmmm… what just happened? Don’t be afraid to set boundaries with these types of people. You will be glad you did in the long run.

I’ve learned everyone has opinions. Sometimes people speak those opinions out loud and other people tend to keep their opinions to themselves. No matter what others’ opinions might be, if they are different from your own… it’s perfectly okay. You don’t have to change the way you think just because somebody else doesn’t agree with it. Stay strong and don’t let anyone tell you differently.

I’ve learned you can go through life blaming others for things you did or maybe didn’t do. It’s easier to put the blame on somebody else… right? But when it all boils down to it, the only person really to blame is you. You have control over your life and you are the only person who can truly make the decisions for what you do and do not do. Take responsibility for them. If you messed up, it is never too late to make it right.

I’ve learned that when a stranger tells you “Happy Friday” or “Happy Valentine’s Day” it can really make your day. Kind of like when you walk by somebody and they smile at you… it is hard not to smile back.

I’ve learned that step parents can be good and they can be bad. I’ve experienced both. The ones whom are good are exceptional when you really stop and realize they took you in even though they are not your biological parent and treated you like you were their own. But you still have to realize they might have biological children of their own. The love they have for you is going to be different than the love they love they have for their own children but it’s okay. Don’t take it personal.

I’ve learned there is a lot of sodium in microwavable frozen lunches and dinners. I didn’t realize this until I went to eat a Smart One’s the other day. Holly smokes the amount of sodium in those things is crazy! Be careful!! You might be trying to lose weight and see that you are actually gaining due to the water retention you might be carrying around from all the sodium you didn’t know you were consuming.

I’ve learned that no matter how long somebody has been gone, it still hurts like hell. I miss my Dad more now than I think I ever have.

I’ve learned that republicans and democrats can really live in the same household without killing each other. We have just learned to agree to disagree :) !

I’ve learned that no matter how you try to explain your feelings and or thoughts to somebody they may not understand. Especially if they haven’t experienced what you have experienced. It’s okay though. Don’t get frustrated with them and say, “One day you will understand once you’ve gone through it.” Not everyone is going to be able to relate to every circumstance that somebody else has gone through especially if they have not gone through it themselves. Just know they are still there for you to listen.

I’ve learned there are times when I don’t think God is paying attention to what is going on with me. There are times when I don’t think He hears my prayers. And just when I really feel defeated, He shines through in some form or another. So, I’ve learned He is always there for you as long as you believe. He will always pull through when He believes it is time.

Maternity Clothes... To Wear or Not to Wear????

2011-03-29T11:51:00.001-04:00

Yep, that’s my question! I am willing to admit, I am one of those gals who refused to wear maternity clothes. I definitely did not like the look of the full panel maternity pants. I thought they looked crazy and I was not going to wear them. I was planning on wearing my regular clothes for as long as I possibly could. It didn’t matter if I had to wear a Belly Band or rubber band those suckers together, I was going to make them work. Then, one day, I started to dabble in the world of maternity wear. I found a couple pairs of kakhi pants at OldNavy.com that I thought might be really cute. They do not have the full panel nor do they even look like they are maternity pants. I decided to purchase them. When I received them, I thought, “WOW… these are so comfortable!” The best part… they don’t have buttons or zippers. So when I really have to go to the bathroom and I have waited until that very last second to go; I can just run in the bathroom, pull them down, and off I go. What a relief! I total love them!!! What was I thinking??? Now as for my shirts, I found this article online that made the suggestion of just buying a bigger size than what I normally would buy. So I thought to myself, “Well that makes perfect sense.” And I did just that. Perfect! I can wear regular tops that don’t look maternity with my new ants from Old Navy that look normal too. Who knew? I am still able to wear some of my regular clothes. I am coming up on 18 weeks so I am waiting for the morning to come when I wake up and there it is! I’ve been told this is kind of how it happens. You got to bed one night and you might be one size, but you wake up the next morning and you are totally a different size. I ask this question on maternity clothes because of a friend of mine who is also pregnant. She is 27 weeks along and refuses to wear maternity clothes. She has found this band that she can wear on her regular pants for as long as she is pregnant. As for her shirts she wears T-shirts from Victoria Secret because they are longer on her. She just refuses to wear maternity clothes at all. The only thing I can say to her is, “Girlfriend… you are missing out!!!”

My heart broke

2011-03-18T09:45:00.000-04:00

This morning I found out that we have declared Libya a no fly zone. What this means is in order for us to declare such a thing, we would have to begin attacking. Normally this wouldn’t bother me as much as what it did this morning. I heard this on the Today show as I was walking out the door to leave for work. Instantly my eyes welled up with tears. I have a friend who has been over there for a few weeks now just waiting for the word from President Obama to either declare a no fly zone or to say everything is okay. He is in the Navy on one of the ships that is over there. This wasn’t part of the plan when they originally left the United States. They were supposed to go to different ports overseas and then return home. He has already had to miss his little boy’s first birthday. He fears when he comes home his little boy won’t know who he is. And now, if this is all true, God only knows when he will be able to come home. My heart broke. Not only did it break for him, but it also broke for his Mom.

Last week I had a scare with my pregnancy. While I was at work I started bleeding. Frantically, I called my doctor and they were able to get me in right away for an ultrasound. The first one showed my cervix as being short which would have meant I could go into preterm labor (I’m only 16 weeks). Instead of making me wait until Monday to have another ultrasound done by a different technician, they sent me to a different hospital where I met with a high risk doctor. They did another ultrasound and she said everything looks just fine. I was measuring a little short, but nothing to be alarmed about. She also said the baby is growing really well. I wasn’t dilated and everything was closed. I can’t begin to tell you the fear I had driving to the doctor’s office that day nor can I begin to explain the relief I felt when I knew everything was okay. Seeing his little heart beat and hearing it was the best thing ever. And yes, we found out that we are having a little boy. Ever since that day last week, my whole outlook on the world and everything around me has changed.

I can’t imagine the feelings I would have if my son one day went off to war. I can’t image the feelings I would have if what happened over in Japan happened here in the United States. Heck, I use to want to have a son who wrestled and now I fear the injuries and what would happen if he did. Life sure does change when you bring a little one into the world. I know I have to let go of some of my fears for him. I have to let him be a boy. But I think no matter where he is or what he is doing, as a mother, I will always worry about him and I will always pray for his safety just like I am praying for everyone in Japan and everyone overseas. I don’t know what their families are going through right now. I can only imagine.

13 Weeks... 27 more to go!

2011-02-26T12:14:00.004-05:00

I am 13 weeks pregnant! I have actually had a really good pregnancy so far. I didn't and haven't had any morning sickness so far. My doctor along with several other people have told me how lucky I am. After seeing my friend, Niki, go through the morning sickness she went through... I truly know how lucky I have been.

Pregnancy Highlights:
How Far Along: 13 Weeks
Size of baby: as big as a peach
Total Weight Gain/Loss: lost 3 pounds - gained two back

Maternity Clothes: Not yet. I'm still in my regular clothes.
Gender: Too early to tell but can't wait until we find out!!
Movement: I haven't felt anything yet.
Sleep: I'm adjusting to sleeping on my sides only.
What I miss: Sleeping on my stomach!!!
Cravings: I've craved mustard (which I don't even really like), raspberries or raspberry flavored things.
Symptoms: Nothing right now

Best Moment this week: I got to hear the baby's heartbeat. It was 166 bpm. My Mom went with me and was thrilled to hear it too. Also finding everything is going good was very reassuring!

I go back to the doctor on March 23 for my monthly check up but also for an ultrasound. Starting next month I will have an ultrasound every two weeks. There is a chance I could have an incompetent cervix. This means my cervix could open up and I could go into preterm labor. Most of the time women don't know they have an incompetent cervix and they end up miscarrying around week 20. Because I know there is a chance due to the LEAP procedure I had done, my doctor wants to put me on the program of having ultrasounds every two weeks so he can measure my cervix and make sure it is not opening up. If for some reason it starts to open, he will have to sew the opening of my cervix up to prevent me from miscarrying. I would rather be safe than sorry.

I will be almost 17 weeks when I go back to my doctor. I am hoping there is a chance we will be able to find out what the baby's gender is. I don't know if it will be too early or not. I'm so excited and I can't wait!!!!

My Story

2011-02-24T09:16:00.001-05:00

I have to admit something. Something some of you may not understand. I am finding it weird to talk about being pregnant. It almost feels like I am in a dream and I am afraid I am going to wake up. Here’s why:
About 8 years ago, after getting permission from my then husband to go off the pill, we tried to get pregnant. We tried for about six months and I decided it was time to go and see my OBGYN. Usually they will not offer you any assistance unless you have been trying for a year. My doctor knew how badly I wanted this so he told me we could try a few things. First I had to do the temperature thing where I took my temperature every morning. After doing this for two months or so, I went back into him and based on my charts, I was not ovulating. So, he put me on Chlomid. For those of you who have been on it before you know the stories. For those of you who haven’t, the hot flashes are horrible. You literally want to go and stand in a freezer until they are gone. It always seemed to happen to me at night. Oh they are miserable. But I knew the possibility of the outcome so I was willing to do anything. I was on Chlomid for a few months and it started working. I began ovulating and everything looked good. But still… nothing was happening. It was then his turn. We made him an appointment and he had to go and do what guys have to go and do. The results back from this study were not good. The count was high but the majority of them were odd shaped. This meant we could continue trying and maybe one day getting pregnant on our own would happen. The day my doctor told me we would be perfect candidates for IVF, I about died. My ex husband was very tight when it came to money. I knew he would not be willing to pay the money we would have to pay in order for this dream of mine to come true. I went home that day and just cried.
We had to put off all talks because that summer I was diagnosed with severe dysplasia. Dysplasia is precancerous cells that were found in my cervix. My doctor told me I was one step away from cervical cancer. This was devastating for me. I had to go in and have the LEAP procedure done where they laser out the area. After my surgery, my doctor told me he had to go deeper than he thought he would. He told me this could have an effect on me when I go to get pregnant. Another hit in the stomach!
Not too long after my then husband and I got divorced. It wasn’t due to the pregnancy thing. There were so many other things wrong in our relationship. But that’s a story for a different time. Years later I met RD. (Thanks, Niki!!!) My whole life literally changed. I went from not wanting to get married again to wanting to get married. I went from not wanting to try to get pregnant (for fear I would go through the same thing I had been through) to wanting to see if it would happen. Last April I told RD that I wanted to go off the pill. I needed to give my body a break from it. I also said if he and I wanted to have kids one day, taking a break was going to be the best thing for me. I made sure he knew if he wasn’t ready for this we could use other forms of birth control. Month after month… nothing. We had the idea of whatever happens…happens. So, we weren’t trying but we weren’t preventing either. There were a few months where I was trying to pin point the day I would ovulate. It wasn’t working. Finally last November I gave up. I told myself I was going to stop thinking about it. I was going to stop trying to figure out that exact day. I was done. The only thing I was focusing was the month of April. When April rolled around I was going to march into my doctor’s office and let him know it was happening all over again. This is when it happened.
I didn’t think it was ever going to happen for me. I knew why God didn’t let it happen the first time. At the time I didn’t get it but looking back I totally understand. I even thank him for not letting it happen. And I understand why he helped me for it to happen this time. Even though RD and I are not married, we have a commitment that goes much deeper than a piece of paper could ever show. Our time will come… I know it will. But in the mean time, I have to start believing it did happen and I am pregnant. My dreams come true!

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Pregnancy... meet my monster!

2011-02-22T13:41:00.004-05:00

Back when I made the post UC Fights Back I was about seven weeks pregnant. Hoping that my ulcerative colitis would calm down and go away as much as it could... I was wrong. Instead it only got worse. I tried to control it with diet but it wasn't working. Afraid of how this would affect the baby, I decided it would be best for me to make an appointment with my GI doctor. At my appointment my doctor reassured me my ulcerative colitis has nothing to do with pregnancy. He said worse case scenario I would have a low birth weight baby. He does however believe my ulcerative colitis was brought on by my reaction to what I ate that night. I just haven't been able to get it back under control. So I am taking 2400 MG of Asocol every day. He made sure to reassure me that this medication will have no affect on the baby at all. I really do trust him. I go back in two weeks to meet with him and discuss how I'm doing.
Since I started taking the medicine I do feel better but I am not where I would like to be. I'm going to keep hoping and praying I will get there. I have an appointment with my OBGYN doctor tomorrow. I am interested to see what he will have to say. We'll see!

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A Dream Come True!

2011-02-18T14:30:00.004-05:00

My whole entire life there was always one for sure thing I knew I wanted. I always knew I wanted to be a Mom. After a few years of trying, going through heartbreak, giving up, and trying again it has happened! I'm pregnant! We couldn't be happier!!! I am currently 12 weeks and three days along. My due date as of right now is September 2, 2011.

I have so much more to post later because I have a lot to tell especially on the ulcerative colitis side! I just wanted everyone to know. This truly is the best thing ever!!!!!

Valentine's Update

2011-02-17T10:09:00.003-05:00

Let's see... where do I begin???? My 14 days of Valentine's was a total bust! Between the weather and other issues that were going on... I did not get to follow through with all of my days. And then to make matters worse, RD was told at the lat minute he had to fly to to New York. The first plan is he would fly out on Saturday morning and come back on Monday morning. I was bummed because we had dinner reservations for Saturday but I was able to change them to Valentine's night. Then a few days later the plan changed and he was going to fly out Saturday morning and not come back until Wednesday. Well, that got changed and they put him back to coming home on Monday morning. Something told me it wasn't going to go as well as he had hoped. I took him to the airport on Saturday morning and off he went. Sunday afternoon I get a phone call from him. The call started out by him saying, "Honey..." I knew this wasn't going to be good news. They had messed something up he was suppose to work on and he was going to have to stay another day. The earliest he would be home is Tuesday night. So, I spent Valentine's night by myself. This is what I enjoyed for dinner... Happy Valentine's Day to me!

Shrimp Fried Rice and Crab Rangoon

As crushed as I was about RD not making it home for Valentine's day, I was also some what prepared. Nothing else had gone right the 13 days prior to so why would the actual day be good. On the up side, I am so very thankful he was able to make it home on Tuesday and he got in safely. The work got done and he has no desire to go back to NY any time soon!!! YAY!!! Now, this weekend... a romantic dinner for two!!!

It's right around the corner!!!!

2011-01-25T10:35:00.002-05:00

Some of you who know me know exactly what I'm talking about and those of you who don't know me.... I'm talking about...

VALENTINE'S DAY!!!!!!!!

It is my favorite holiday in the whole wide world!!! I know some people can't stand this day and others believe it is nothing more than a Hallmark holiday. Okay... I can understand but for me.... I LOVE IT!!! I have always loved it. I love LOVE! I am a total hopeless romantic!

In all my past relationships I was never able to really get into Valentine's Day like I wanted to. When I was married, he was a jerk and always chose to work on this particular day. Then my first relationship after I was married... well he wasn't any better. I would try to do fun loving things and he would always shut me down. For example, I would get him a card and he would leave it sitting right where I put it and not open it. Ummm... ya... what a jerk! BUT... life has gotten SO much better for me and now I have somebody who I absolutely adore more than anything in the world. He lets me be me and do all my crazy fun Valentine's ideas! Last year I started a new tradition. I do my 14 Days of Valentine's Day. Beginning February 1st, I will do something either sweet, fun, nice, charming, or exciting for RD every day up until February 14th and then I do something big! This year I'm trying to have a little bit of a theme for each day. Ummm... for example... RD loves Starbucks coffee. So, I plan to get him a gift card for Starbucks and tell him this is to "Warm his heart." All the little things I do I relate back to LOVE! I know this sounds totally corny and well... because it is... but I have so much fun doing it! And God love RD for going along with me and just letting me do it! I now have six days left to get everything together!!! I can't wait!!!! I'm so excited!!!!!

UC fights back

2011-01-24T19:12:00.003-05:00

This past Monday I decided to treat myself to whatever I wanted to eat for dinner. RD was out of town so it was my chance to eat whatever I wanted. On my way home from work I began thinking about one of my favorite sub shops. I couldn't get there fast enough, get my sandwich, and get home so I could take that first delicious bite. It was DEE-LI-CIOUS!

About four hours after eating my sandwich my stomach started hurting. It wasn't a feeling of nauseousness but pain. It hurt like it has in the past when I was having an ulcerative colitis attack. I started running to the bathroom every hour on the hour. It went from what I thought was an UC attack to everything coming out whenever it could. Food poisoning had set in! It was awful!! I was so sick. The next morning I began feeling better. I swore I would NEVER go back to that place again!

A few days later... my monster fought back. One thing my Mom has always told me is when you get sick, it will attack the weakest part of your body. I always believed her since she was a nurse for several years and she is MOM. I had been lucky up until that point. Monday I was sick with food poisoning, Tuesday I began feeling better, Wednesday I started a flare up. Proof Mom was right! It did attack the weakest part of my body. I'm just hoping now it doesn't last long. :(

What do you do?

2011-01-05T09:00:00.001-05:00

If I had to describe myself, I would say I am a very friendly person. I don’t hesitate to say hi to somebody even a complete stranger. I do believe I am a little quiet around people at first until I get to know them and then after that I almost feel like I don’t shut up. I do NOT believe I am a very judgmental person. I know some of the situations I have been in and the choices I have made so I know I have no right to judge somebody else for their decisions. I guess overall I would say I am a happy person who likes to laugh. I haven’t found anyone that I have problems with until now.

RD and I have been together for almost three years. As in any relationship, in the beginning it always seems like you have to try and work your way into their circle of friends. Some of them I absolutely love. Some of them I’m okay with seeing on occasion. But there is one that no matter what I do… it just doesn’t work. For so long when we would go out with this group of people, I would get so nervous. I felt like I had to dress a certain way and act a certain way. Literally I would make myself sick because I just knew they would judge everything about me. They would talk about my clothes, my hair, the way I carry myself, the way I talk, and the way I act. I started to get to a point where I finally said enough is enough! I can’t do this to myself anymore. Then one day I was able to sit and talk with one of the girls. I explained to her how I would get when we went out with them. She apologized and couldn’t believe I felt that way. I finally told her either you like me or you don’t. She said everyone liked me and she couldn’t believe what I put myself through. I started to feel better about things and felt like it was all going to be good.

Four of us girls went out one night (me and three of the girls from RD’s circle of friends). I rode downtown with the one person that I just can’t seem to get. Everything went really well. We talked the whole way down there and we even talked and laughed the whole way back. We even emailed each other a few days later. I thought FINALLY things are going to be okay. Boy was I wrong! For New Year’s Eve we went over to this girl’s house. Her husband and RD have been friends for a really long time and I went to school with her husband. When I walked in, she barely said two words to me. I said hi and got no response. Later on another couple walked in and she stood up and said, “Hi Nancy” and was so excited to see them. Then her and her neighbor started talking about Christmas cards. She told RD and me she didn’t send one out to us because of this. She pulls out an envelope she had mailed to us and it got returned to sender. She had it addressed to RD… ONLY! Ummm… maybe if you would have put my name on there too it wouldn’t have gotten returned. (RD moved in after I had lived there for a while. The mailman didn’t recognize his name.) If I would have thought quickly enough I would have said something to her but I was just ticked and surprised. So the entire night she hardly said two words to me. And since I didn’t know anyone else besides her, RD and her husband, I sat on the couch and played with my phone the entire night! (Thank goodness for Angry Birds!) I tried so hard many times to be a part of the conversations she was having with the other girls who were there but it didn’t work. She just didn’t include me in. Finally it was time to go and I could not have been happier to get out of there. She then had the nerve to ask me if I was okay. She said I was kind of quiet all night. WHAT????? How can I talk to you when you were so standoffish with me! I was so angry when I left there I just couldn’t believe it. RD and I talked about it and he finally sees this from my point of view. Before he would just kind of blow it off and think I was over exaggerating. Now… he understands and I even think he is a little bothered by it. I just don’t get it! But if I say anything to anyone, I’m told she likes me. Really???? Because I know I don’t treat people I like that way.

After leaving that night and giving myself time to think about it, I decided one of my 2011 New Year’s resolution is going to be to stop trying with her. It is time for me to accept the way she is and know that nothing I will ever do will be accepted by her. If she wants to continue on with the way she is then that’s okay. I just don’t have to deal with it anymore. I think it is time I do say the things that are on my mind because God knows she does. No more intimidation from her. ENOUGH REALLY IS ENOUGH!

Life Lesson Learned

2010-12-29T15:09:00.005-05:00

How many times do you have to touch a hot stove

before you learn it burns?
How many times do you reach out your hand

knowing it will only be smacked away?
How many times do you open up your heart to someone only

to have that same person slam it shut every time?
I think I finally learned.

Christmas was very nice this year. RD and I shared our gifts on Christmas Eve. Later on that night my parents came over and we opened gifts with them. I got so many nice things. My Mom and Poppie really went all out for RD and me. I was so surprised and so thankful. Both my parents and RD bought me new vegetarian cookbooks. I can’t wait to dive in and start making some of the awesome recipes I have found already. On Christmas Day, my parents came over and we had Christmas breakfast with them. Then it was off to the clubhouse to set up for everyone to come. We really did have a good time. RD brought our Kinect and the kids had a blast. We had great eats and lots to drink… non alcoholic that is. Well… maybe some of us ;).

As I watched the clock that day I kept waiting for my sister to walk in the door. 1:30 pm… no sister. 2:30 pm… still no sister. Finally around 3:30 pm, I sent her a text wishing her and her family a Merry Christmas. She responded by telling me her in-laws had been there all day and she wasn’t going to be able to make it. I told her that it was okay and let her know I had gifts for my nephews. The truth is… it wasn’t okay. It hurt! For once I wanted my sister to include her side of the family in their holiday celebrations. For once I wanted my sister to want to come and spend time with us too instead of always spending time with his side of the family. For once I wanted to spend Christmas with my nephews. But once again… it didn’t happen.

After 30 some years, I learned the burner is hot and it does burn. I plan to continue to include her in on our family gatherings. I plan to still send her holiday cards and birthday cards. But I will not believe her when she says she will be there. This… I learned.

9 More Days til Christmas!

2010-12-16T15:23:00.002-05:00

I hate to admit this but for the past 12 years I have not been excited for Christmas. I have pretty much dreaded it each year! I would hear Christmas carols playing on the radio and I would change them instantly. I couldn't stand to hear them let alone sing them. But this year... Christmas is going to be so different! I am actually so excited for Christmas to come. No, I don't believe I am getting anything exciting this year (like a diamond ring:<). Instead, RD and I are going to be able to spend Christmas with both of our families at the same time and the same place. We rented the clubhouse where we live and decided to have Christmas this year with everyone. The past two years we have done Christmas Eve at my Dad's house, Christmas morning is spent with my Mom angry at me for going down to my Dad's house (since he is no longer there and it is only Magoose (my step Mom)), and then Christmas evening we go to RD's Mom's. This year we will get to spend the same amount of time with everyone! (Except for my step mom. Things happened this year that upset me. So I don't think I will be talking to her anytime soon.)

We made invitations and sent them out to everyone last week. We decided to do appetizers and asked everyone to pitch in. This way the pressure is not on one person to make and do everything. We even decided to change up the gift exchange. In the past, the girls buy a gift for another girl and the guys buy a gift for another guy. Well, we are going to do a gift card exchange with a limit of $25. Now everyone can exchange with everyone.

As excited as I am for all of this to happen, the most important reason I am so excited is seeing my family and RD's family together. I have invited my sister, Kerri and her family to come. I can't remember the last time I have been able to spend Christmas with her. She and I have had our differences in the past that have kept us from talking for long periods of time. It seems like Christmas always falls during our non speaking times. This year we have been able to put aside our differences and we talk pretty much each week. She isn't sure if she will be able to make it because she isn't sure when Jarred's family will be doing their Christmas. I hope she can, but I will understand if she can't.

I can't wait to post pictures from our family Christmas and write all about it. This Christmas is going to be a good ending to a not so bad year.

Age... just a number

2010-11-30T19:55:00.004-05:00

When I was younger I knew exactly what my life was going to be like and I knew exactly the age it was going to happen. I wanted to be married to my Prince Charming by the time I turned 23. I just knew I would have my first child by the time I turned 24-25. I was going to have the beautiful house with the white picket fence. Ha...Ha…isn't it funny how life really turns out!

It wasn't until I turned 30 that I stopped and really looked at my life. I thought about where I had been and what I had been doing and I started to figure out where I wanted to go. The place I was at in my life at that time was not where I thought I would be. I did get married, not at 23, and it definitely was not to my Prince Charming. I also got divorced three years later. Hmmm…I don’t remember that being part of my blueprint. I did finish college with my bachelor degree but it was in marketing not psychology or the medical field which is what I had planned. I didn't have any children but instead I faced infertility for two years while I was married. Nope... life did not go at all as I thought it would.

For a very long time I struggled with where I was in my life. I struggled with the idea that nothing turned out the way I had hoped it would. I would get so down on myself for the way things have turned out. I held on to the regret of not going to college for what I really wanted to go for. I would get angry for getting myself into a marriage where I wasn't happy even before it began. I settled for so much in my life that I was angry at myself for what I had done and what I chose not to do.

About a month ago I started reading this book called Your So-Called Life written by Andrea Lavinthal and Jessica Rozler. It is a book written for people who are in their late twenties and early thirties. It talks about the struggles they face in their “redo-berty” years. It helped me to understand that even though life has not turned out the way I had hoped it would, it isn't too late for me to fix what is broke and turn it all around. Just because I am in my early thirties doesn't mean I am doomed for life.

Yesterday as I was driving home from work I was listening to Cocktails with Patrick on Cosmo Radio (XM 162). He brought up the same topic I had been struggling with. He asked the listeners if they were where they thought they would be in life because he said he isn't. There were so many people that called in to say they too are not where they thought they would be. They said it is hard to look at social networking sites and see friends who have successful careers, a wonderful significant other, and beautiful kids running around and of course the white picket fence. It makes you some what look down upon yourself and think... "Where did I go wrong?" There was a girl who called in and said her and her best friend had their lives planned out. She said her best friend has achieved all of the goals they both had where she hasn't achieved one of them.

I have learned from the book I’m reading and after hearing all the conversations go on about the same ideas I am struggling with or were struggling with that it is okay. It is okay that my friends are married with children and have nice houses. It is okay that they have successful careers and have achieved their lifetime goals at 30. Life took a different turn for me and it was up to me to figure this out and get it back to where it needed to be. I feel like I am finally on the right path to now go after my hopes and dreams. I learned you have to be aggressive to follow your dreams. Sitting back waiting for life to happen doesn’t always work. I don’t think it is too late for anyone to achieve their goals in life. But you have to want them bad enough and you have to be willing to do what it takes to get you there. I have another 30 years to reach my success with my career. I have several years left to have children (even though I won’t be waiting several more yearsJ!) And my Prince Charming… I finally found him!

See… life may not always go exactly the way you think it will at the exact the time you feel it should. And if it does… then that is great! If it doesn’t… don’t give up hope that it will. Just remember… Age is just a number!

It only takes five minutes to make a difference

2010-11-17T13:01:00.002-05:00

Our lives are ever changing. The older we get the busier we become. We also become so consumed in our own lives that we forget about the rest of the world. Not meaning to, we start to lose touch with friends and long distance family members. Before we know it… months have passed and you realize the last time you talked to your dear friend Sally or your Aunt in Florida was almost six months ago. I guess this is one reason we can give thanks for all the different social networking sites that are available to us. One entry on your status update or one quick tweet and we just informed everyone about our news! Easy… Quick… Done! But what happened to the personable touches. What happened to the days when we would take time out of our busy lives to write letters, send cards, or even make phone calls? Gone are those days! I know it is easier to type that update and hit send, but I also feel like it is sad. Ask yourself one question, if your dear friend Sally or long distant Aunt in Florida passed away tomorrow would you have any regrets? Would you of wished you would have called her last week like you thought to do but got busy doing laundry or watching The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills? Would you wish you would have sent out that birthday card that you were so meaning to stop and get on the way home from work? Would you of wished you would have taken five minutes out of your busy day to make a phone call or even send a text just to say hi? If you answered no to all of these questions… then you are comfortable with what you are doing and I think that is great! Me… I can’t answer no to any of them. I would feel so much regret if my dear friend Taryn passed away tomorrow. She moved away years ago and I hardly talk to her anymore. Is that an excuse… no, but I have allowed it to be.

I write this because I have done a lot of thinking about the people who mean the most in my life. I know I haven’t been a very good friend to many of them. I have been so consumed with my own life that I have forgotten those who I don’t see every day or don’t talk to on a regular basis. I don’t want to live my life with the regret of wishing I would have done more for somebody when I know I could have if I just would have put out the effort when given the chance to. Honestly, how hard is it to send a birthday card, write a little note and put it in the mailbox, or even type a quick text or email? I don’t have any excuses which is why it is time for me to make that change.

From now on I promise to stay in contact with those who I have let slip out of my life. I promise to type the quick email or simple text. I’m going to work harder on sending out birthday cards to everyone or holiday cards. Even if they are just going to be thrown away, it is piece of mind to me that I reached out to them. And who knows… it may make their day to know somebody remembered or somebody cares. You just never know whose heart you might touch by taking that extra step. It’s worth a try. I know I’m going to!

SBD...IBD...UC...

2010-11-16T22:03:00.002-05:00

Normal???? I'm not sure what that word has meant until recently. My symptoms of UC have pretty much cleared up except for a few. Let's just say I thought I was suffering from IBD (Irritable Bowel Disease). I seriously started to wonder if UC and IBD come hand in hand. If you have one then chances are you have the other or down the road might develop the other. I started to get use to believing this is the way it is going to be. My stomach will gurgle after I eat and then I will wait patiently for the next symptom so I know if I need to run to the bathroom or if I can sit tight.

Last week I started the South Beach Diet. The first fourteen days you are suppose to eliminate all breads, grains, pasta, fruits, sugar, etc. I think you catch my drift. Honestly it wasn't as hard as I thought it would be. Yes, I had to think about what I could and couldn't eat before my meal times, but I quickly learned this isn't such a bad thing. After being on this diet for three days, I noticed a huge change in my symptoms and the way I felt. I haven't had any symptoms at all and I'm beginning to feel what normal is like again. This past Sunday we did Thanksgiving at my house because some of our family will be out of town next week. I ate corn and carrots (which I wasn't suppose to have) along with a dinner roll and mashed potatoes. Yes, my stomach was all messed up. I went back to the SBD on Monday and I felt good again.

I know different things work for different people. I don't know if this diet will work for anyone else, but I had to share this idea just in case somebody would like to try it. Even though Phase 1 is only suppose to last for 14 days, I think I'm going to hold onto it for a little long and see how I feel. Hopefully the good feelings will continue.

I'll keep my fingers crossed!

Back to School I Go!!!!!

2010-11-08T08:20:00.004-05:00

For those who know me, you know how long I have been in and out of school and all the different degrees I have chosen. For those of you who don't know me, lets just say I graduated high school in 1995. I have basically been in school the majority of the past fifteen years! Deciding what you want to be when you grow up is not an easy thing to do! I really wish I would have spent more time my senior year in high school doing research. If I have one piece of advice for kids in high school I would tell them... spend time figuring out what you would really like to do when you graduate high school. If you want to be a doctor, lawyer, or an accountant, check into the different avenues you can take to get there. Job shadow somebody to see if it is really what you would like to do. Once you have chosen the road you want to go down, don't let anyone detour you! Words I wish I would have lived by. Instead, I listened to everyone else and didn't do what I really would have loved to do. It's okay though! I'm working my way through it and trying to find a middle ground place.

I currently have a degree in Marketing. I started doing research online to find out what one can do with a degree in marketing. Of course there is sales, but I don't really consider myself having a sales type personality. I'm not persistent and I'm not very pushy either. I don't think I would make it down that road. I could go into being a marketing coordinator, marketing assistant, etc... but I would need to have at least three to five years experience to get into the entry level for those jobs. So, as I continued my search I found marketing can be related to human resources. Hmmm... I started thinking.

I enjoy helping people. This is one of my favorite things to do. I like listening to people and helping them with their problems. I love psychology and the ins and outs to why people do the things they do. I love teaching. I like to teach people new things. I love to see their reaction when they understand something they didn't understand before. And, I'm not afraid to voice my opinions for something I believe in. I have had some run ins with my current job and I have been afraid to go to HR for fear of them doing nothing. The worse things got for me in my current position, I was left no choice. I don't want someone to ever feel that way and I believe I could be a strong voice for somebody who can't be for themselves. These are the reasons I have chosen to consider HRM (Human Resource Management).

I looked up the college I went to where I got my degree in Marketing. They have an accelerated adult program which the classes are only five weeks long. I love this school!!! I will only have to take four classes and I will have a bachelor degree in HRM. This will begin my journey to HR. I don't have the road completely paved. I am still searching and working out all the directions on how I want to reach my ultimate goal. But I'm glad to have a start and I feel really good about it!

Stay tuned to see where this journey takes me. =)

Love... Love... Bloggers!!!

2010-10-28T10:13:00.003-04:00

Today is not a very good day for me. I have a few things on my mind which I have allowed to cause me to be a little down and out today. I'm only allowing these thoughts to affect me for today and then tomorrow it is back to my normal happy cheerful self.

I have to tell you... I love... love... love bloggers! I have found some really amazing people who are willing to share their life stories with the world. I don't think that is easy to do. I am trying to open up a little more and add pictures to some of my postings, but I have to admit I'm still a little reserved about it. The thought of stalkers and crazy people still stick in the back of my mind. But I am so thankful to those who have shared their stories because without some of them, I think I would be a crazed maniac!

I believe when you are going through something in your life you tend to feel alone. You feel like nobody understands what you are going through and if they say they do... they don't. Some of the blogs I have started to follow have begun hitting home. I read their thoughts and emotions and I can totally relate to them. Knowing that they feel or have felt the same way I do has helped me to get through some of my emotions. And when they have great outcomes, it gives me hope that I too will have a great outcome.

Blogging has allowed me to come in contact with people I would have never in a million years come across. Most of the people I have found live in a different state or even country. I am so thankful for each and every one of them.

I'm not big into Facebook, MySpace, or Twitter. I was at one time but I have since faded away from all of them. I found they added more hurt to my life than good. But with my blog and other blogs that I read, they have added nothing but happiness and that is a good feeling.

I just wanted to say I love all of you bloggers out there who have been able to open up and share your life stories, your interest and hobbies, your beautiful pictures, and your every day ups and downs. You truly are amazing!!!

AWESOME GAME!!!

2010-10-21T11:53:00.002-04:00

My nephew is the one standing away from the group with the pink socks on. Most of the boys wore pink for Breast Cancer Awareness month! Such sweethearts!!!

The boys played an awesome game! They came out and scored their first touch down within four plays of the game! The Cardinals were up and they snuck by us. It was okay though because now it was our turn. Another touch down for the Danville Vikings! We were up by one point since we scored the extra point with the first touch down and we held the Cardinals when they tried for theirs. After half time the Cardinals got the ball and... they scored! Not only did they score, but they snuck by us once again for the extra point. Our lead changed and left them up. Up by one, the score 13-14, we gave it all we had but we just couldn't get to the goal. I don't want to be a bad sport, but there was one play where we had the first down and the ref put the ball in the wrong spot. The only reason I know this is because my Poppie was doing the chains. But... what can you do??? These boys played their hearts out! It was truly an awesome game. I didn't think I would ever get so excited about a 12 year olds' game as I did yesterday!

It's okay though! Now its time to shake it off and focus on All Stars!!!!!!

Awesome game, Kane... you played like a pro!!!!

Good Luck Danville Vikings!!!

2010-10-20T08:17:00.003-04:00

GO DANVILLE VIKINGS!!!!!

Tonight is my nephew's championship football game. His team went 0-5 this season and then turned around and won their playoff game. I guess it goes to show anything is possible! The team they are playing tonight is pretty tough, but I know if they have the same enthusiasm and motivation they did last weekend they can win the game tonight!!

Wish us luck!!!

"I don't love it"

2010-10-13T11:49:00.008-04:00

So... I went from this:

To......... THIS!

(Okay... not real fond of this picture because my nose looks like Pinocchio... but its got to work for now ;) )

Yep... I got a perm!!!!

It was time for a change! While I was at the salon some lady made the comment after smelling the perm solution, I thought perms went out in the 80's? Wow... why don't some people keep their comments to themselves?????

When I first got home, I asked Ron if he liked it. He didn't really say much about it. It was a pretty big adjustment... I won't lie. Then on Monday after I got home from work he walks in the door and asked me if everyone at work liked my hair. I told him they did and even the president of the company told me he liked my hair! Now that's big!!! Ron responds by saying, "I don't love it." He said it in the tone of voice where he wasn't sure if he should voice his opinion or not. I just looked at him and told him I didn't care if he liked it or not! (Later he knew he had upset me so he was trying to make up for his comment.) Then the very next day he walks in and says, "Your curly hair is beginning to grow on me." Nice save honey! Men... they just don't get it!

Let it out... Have you ever had one of those days???

2010-10-11T11:41:00.003-04:00

Do you ever have those days or weeks where you feel like your to do list just keeps growing and growing and it seems like nothing ever gets marked off? Or how about when you are asked to do something and when you ask when it needs to be done, they tell you tomorrow but their tone of voice tells you they really needed it done yesterday. And better yet, how about when somebody calls you totally stressed out that their stress spills onto you??? UGH!!! Today is one of those days!

Your past is yours!

2010-10-04T08:29:00.002-04:00

I learned this weekend that your past is what makes you who you are today. It doesn’t matter if your past is full of laughter and fun times or memories you would rather forget. Either way, it has helped to form the person you have become.

A lot of my past I would much rather care to forget, but I learned this weekend it isn’t that easy. I had a situation this weekend where I let my past insecurities shine through. I even let it go as far as to ruin my night and Ron’s night. After I exploded, I couldn’t believe what I had just done. I felt embarrassed and ashamed of myself. I was angry at myself for going back to that dark place. I kept telling myself I don’t want to live my life like that ever again. After a lot of tears and giving myself time to think it all through, I knew the ten steps I had taken backward were only temporary. I’m starting to walk forward again. At first I didn’t want our friends to know what had happened but then I told myself, “Its okay.”

I can’t change what I’ve been through. All I can do is learn from it and know that my life is different now. I’m a better person and a stronger person because of what I have been through in my life. As much as I try to forget, and I think some things I have forgotten, it will always be a part of me. And when it starts to shine its ugly head, I just have to tell myself my life is better than that and I’m better.

You shouldn’t be ashamed of where you came from or what life has given you. It’s okay if it hasn’t been all rainbows and butterflies. As long as you can look at yourself today and hold your head high, then that is all that matters. Your past is yours. It isn’t for somebody else to judge. So, be proud of who you are and where you’ve been. Because at the end of the day, it’s your life!

I'm so excited... and I just can't hide it!

2010-09-28T08:42:00.003-04:00

I could not sleep at all last night! I am so excited about my new blog!! As I laid in bed last night trying hard to fall asleep, my mind kept racing about all the new topics I can't wait to post about. I really am looking forward to all the changes I'm about to make to this little old website of mine. What use to be so blah and drab... I'm hoping to make it into something fun, not just for me, but for everyone! I'm sure some of my postings will be pretty boring, but I hope others will be fun and enjoyable to read. Stay tuned for more!!! I can't wait!!!

Time for a different kind of change...

2010-09-27T21:52:00.002-04:00

It has been over a year now since I was diagnosed with ulcerative colitis. I have dedicated a full year to this crazy monster and well... I think I'm done. I'm not going to focus my thoughts or attention any longer to just my monster. Instead, I want to open up myself to the blogging world a little more. I guess you could say I want everyone to learn more about me. I'm instead going to blog about my ups and downs in life, my happy times, my sad times, things that make me laugh, and things that make me mad. It's time for a true change! Welcome to my new blog! I'm sure there will still be some posts about having ulcerative colitis, but I just don't want to focus solely on that anymore.

But before I do... I have one more thing to post about with my ulcerative colitis.

The other day I was in the bathroom at work. I was having one of my bad days so I had my Poo Pourri with me. I sprayed it a few times before I did anything just in case it was really bad. When I walked out of my stall another co worker was coming out of the stall next to me. This is how our conversation went.

Co Worker: Do you have on Bath and Body Works?

Me: Ya, why?

Co Worker: Which scent do you have on?

Me: Warm Vanilla Sugar, I think.

Co Worker: Oh, I thought you had the stress reliever scent. It smells like eucalyptus.

I couldn't help but laugh! It wasn't Bath and Body Works silly... it was my Poo Pourri! Proof it works!

Dad... I miss you.

2010-07-02T10:48:00.009-04:00

Hurt" by Christina Aguilera

Seems like it was yesterday when I saw your face

You told me how proud you were but I walked away

If only I knew what I know today

I would hold you in my arms

I would take the pain away

Thank you for all you've done

Forgive all your mistakes

There's nothing I wouldn't do

To hear your voice again

Sometimes I want to call you but I know you won't be there

I'm sorry for blaming you for everything

I just couldn't do

And I've hurt myself by hurting you

Some days I feel broke inside but I won't admit

Sometimes I just want to hide 'cause it's you I miss

You know it's so hard to say goodbye when it comes to this

Would you tell me I was wrong?

Would you help me understand?

Are you looking down upon me?

Are you proud of who I am?

There's nothing I wouldn't do

To have just one more chance

To look into your eyes and see you looking back

I'm sorry for blaming you for everything I

just couldn't do

And I've hurt myself

If I had just one more day, I would tell you how much that

I've missed you since you've been away

Oh, it's dangerous

It's so out of line to try to turn back time

I'm sorry for blaming you for everything

I just couldn't do

And I've hurt myself

By hurting you

I'm sorry, Dad! I love you!!!

To find out more about my Dad... the link below takes you to my other blog.

http://rileygirl55.blogspot.com/2008/06/my-dad-my-hero.html

"This isn't a low fat restaurant."

2010-06-30T07:57:00.003-04:00

Yep... so I had my first bad experience at a restaurant since I have become vegetarian! And let me tell ya... I was ticked!!! Last night Ron and I decided to go to Max and Erma's (oh ya... I'm giving the name and all!!!) I was craving nachos. I looked at their menu and saw they had a nacho grande as an appetizer. I was wondering how it was prepared and if there was anyway I could get it without the chili sauce that I was guessing came on them. Before I go any further, I have to say the waiter was really busy. I'll give him that much but that is IT! So, he comes up takes our drink order. Then he comes back and asks us if we are ready to order. I politely asked him what all came on their nacho grande. He told me beans and meat and then everything else comes on the side. He asked me what I didn't want on them and I said meat. He told me they couldn't do that. I just kind of looked at him and said ok. Then I went to plan B. I ordered a house salad and asked him what kind of soups did they have. He ran through the list and said they had a baked potato soup with bacon. I asked him if I could get it without bacon and he looked at me and said, "No, it comes in it. This isn't a low fat restaurant." By this time I was pissed! I told him I would take a loaded baked potato instead. He said, "Okay so you want butter, sour cream, and cheese right?" I responded and said yes. When he walked away I was fuming. I looked at Ron and asked what did low fat have to do with not wanting any meat. If I was looking for a low fat option why in the world would I order nachos or a loaded baked potato? I calmed down and made the best of our dining experience. After we ate, Ron and I decided to stop at Coldstone Creamery and split some ice cream. As we were sitting there he starts laughing. I asked what he was laughing at. He told me that when I went to the restroom the waiter came back and asked Ron if we wanted any dessert. He told Ron some of the options they had and then added in "without bacon" and started laughing. OH HOLLY CRAP... if I would have been sitting there and he would have said that all hell would have broken loose! Ron said that guy was lucky because I would have totally given him an ear full on top of calling the manager over and telling him what I thought about it too. I told Ron I was already planning to write a letter to the company and now... lets just say it is a for sure thing!

You know... I'm not asking for everyone to accommodate me because I don't eat meat. Now-a-days there are all kinds of people who can't have certain foods or ingredients in their diets. I feel a restaurant needs to be able to accommodate whatever the needs of their customer are. And if I want to get a southern fried chicken salad without chicken... that is my choice! But I think the funniest part of this is the comment he made about it not being a low fat restaurant. Where in the world did he get that from what I was asking for? What an idiot!

Needless to say... we won't be going there again!

Remission... Not in this lifetime!!!!

2010-05-13T16:27:00.005-04:00

So, I went to www.merriam-webster.com to find out the true definition of remission. And this is what I found:

Main Entry: re·mis·sion
Pronunciation: \ri-ˈmish-ən\
Function: noun
: a state or period during which the symptoms of a disease are abated

Abate... what does that mean? So I looked it up too. It says:

1 : to put an end to 2 a : to reduce in degree or intensity : > b : to reduce in value or amount : make less especially by way of relief

Okay... this is totally not me and hasn't been for almost a year now. I have mentioned a few times before that I'M IN REMISSION! Ya right! The other day while I was in my new office (the bathroom) I was thinking about some of the things I've said in my blog. I started thinking about the times I would admit I'm having a horrible time with my monster and then I started to think about the times I would write those three wonderful words. And suddenly I realized... I was wrong! ALL WRONG!

I have come to a new conclusion!!!!

There is no such thing as remission in my world. I have realized I have really good days, good days, okay days, not so okay days, bad days, and horrible days. But I don't believe there will ever be a day that I am no longer haunted by my monster. To me that would mean I'm in remission and I don't foresee that happening. And you know what... I'm okay with it.

Here's why...

1. I'm okay with knowing where the bathroom is no matter where I am. Why? Because at the craziest of places I can tell somebody if it is safe to go in or not. FYI... Lowes has a really clean bathroom. Yep, I'm talking about the hardware store!

2. I'm okay with my stomach gurgling in front of people. Why? Because everyone thinks I'm just hungry. They don't really know what is going on inside there. Now that's a good thing!

3. I'm okay with running to the restroom from time to time. Why? Because it forces me to exercise when I least expect it.

4. I'm okay with not eating some of my favorite foods I use to eat. Why? Because they were bad for me anyway. (Not always but I still sneak off to Cold Stone Creamery. The pains aren't always worth the goodness of the ice cream... but some times they are=) And boy do I cherish those times!!!)

5. I'm okay with knowing this is something I am going to have to deal with for the rest of my life. Why? Because it keeps me in perspective. It makes me realize not everyone is perfect and some times people have to go through things in life that are totally out of their control. It has also helped me to learn to let go of things I can't control and act on things I can. Anything that causes me stress and doesn't bring me any happiness... time to move on from it. Without this monster... I would of continued to try and continued to make it better. Now I'm realizing I can't do things anymore and I'm okay with it. Maybe its time for somebody else to be the peace maker for a while. This fairy just ran out of fairy dust!

So, the next time I find myself complaining about this gosh for saken hungry monster... I'll now remember this post and thing of the flip side of all this.

Today was a good day... can you tell????? =)

Where does the time go?

2010-04-01T09:08:00.003-04:00

Wow... it has been a while since I last wrote. So much has been going on with me and let me tell you... I'm back out of remission. This time is a little different because I'm refusing to take any medications for it. I know this may sound crazy to some but I want to see if I can get it under control on my own. Some days it seems to work but other days... not so much.

I'm still going strong on becoming a vegetarian. I have no desires to eat meat ever again. It's great! I have been able to try foods I never thought I would eat before. One of my favorites are the Spicy Black Bean Burgers by Morning Star. They are delicious!

I have to admit though I'm a bit confused. I can stay away from meat and be totally motivated to do so, but I can't seem to do that when it comes to eating cake, cookies, candy, etc... You know... the stuff I really should stay away from. Oh well. Hopefully I will be able to find my motivation one day.

I am still exercising. I finally made the decision that I am NOT going to let ulcerative colitis control my life. There has been a few times where I've been at aerobics and I will start to have pains or even better... I have to make a dash to the bathroom. I work through the pains and accept the fact this is how it is. But I refuse to let it stop me from continuing my work out. And I have to tell you... I love Zumba! It is so much fun. I go to Zumba class every Monday at the church. I love it so much I bought the videos so I can do it at home. (http://www.zumbafitness.com/)

Oh so more new things going on. I almost made a career move but decided to stay put. I applied for a program that would have allowed me to become a licensed special education teacher. I went through the application process and I even went through the interview process. Talk about stress! Then when everything was done, I backed out. It seemed like the more details I found out about the program and the way our IPS (Indianapolis Public Schools) school system worked, I didn't feel comfortable about it. First, second and third year teachers get what they call "rifted." In other words they get laid off at the end of the school year. You may or may not get called back to work. If you don't hear anything by the beginning of August, you are allowed to look outside of the IPS schools. If you do get called back, you have to go where they tell you to go. So if you were teaching at one school your first year, the second year you could be some place completely different. I didn't really like that idea. Especially not knowing if you were going to have a job come the next school year. I don't have the financial freedom to take that risk. So, I didn't want to leave my application in and take the chance away from somebody else why may. Now I'm not real sure what I'm going to do. Things are going good for me, so I think I might just stay put and see if any opportunities become available.

Another great obstacle I've started to leap over is my past. I don't have the greatest past when it comes to relationships. I've had a great track record of finding some pretty not so good guys. They have been controlling and verbally abusive to me. Having that said, I spent eight years with one (and even married him) and four years with another. It has been a struggle to work though the damage that has been done to me. But I'm happy to say I'm learning each and every day what it is like to truly be loved by somebody. I've found a great guy who I've been with now for almost two years. I think I have put him through so many tests and he has stood by me each and every time. He was with me when I was diagnosed with ulcerative colitis and he has been there when I have gone through some pretty embarrassing moments due to my complications of ulcerative colitis. I have never been in a relationship like this before. I laugh all the time. I'm learning to let go of my anger. I'm learning to trust again. I've learned it is okay to hug him if I want to no matter where we are or who is around. I've learned it is okay to call him at his office or on his cell phone and he won't yell at me for doing so. I think though the most important thing I've learned is it is okay to be me. I am finally figuring out what types of things I like whether it is what restaurants I like to go to or what foods I like to eat. My relationship now is a 50-50 relationship. I actually can voice my opinion and it gets heard. I'm not being belittled for what I believe in. I'm not being made fun of or embarrassed in front of people. I have to say this is the best feeling I have had in a really long time. I know I still have a long road ahead of me. But with each and every day, I'm learning something new about me and about us. I don't think I could ask for more.

All of this is why I'm trying to beat this round without meds. I want to see if placing my life in a different view will help me get things under control. I'm trying hard to deal with stress better. I'm trying to eat foods I know are healthier. (I gave up McDonalds for Lent and so far so good. Oh... I'm not Catholic. I just like to give up something to see if I can do it. McDonalds has always been my favorite even since becoming vegetarian.) I'm exercising and taking multivitamins. I'm going to keep working at things and see where it may take me. I'll keep you posted!

Still Going Strong

2010-01-21T08:34:00.002-05:00

Well, it has almost been a month and I'm still going strong with my new vegetarian/pescetarian lifestyle. I will admit the other day I was at the grocery store looking at all the frozen vegetables and I told myself I was tired of eating vegetables. Next thing I know I end up walking out of the store with celery, broccoli, green peppers, green onions, lettuce, carrots, cucumbers, etc. I ended up making one of the best salads I've made in a long time!

So, has this had an effect on my monster? Yep it sure has!!! For the first couple of weeks I was having problems. The increase in fiber kind of made my colon a bit angry. Lately I've been experiencing pains too. But, I know I'm eating right and doing what I should be doing so I'm hoping it is just a matter of my body and colon getting use to the changes. I figure as long as there is no blood, I'm good!

I've also started working out. I signed up at a local church that has a fitness center. I love it. I'm taking a boot camp class (which kicked my butt), I'm going to start zumba on Monday, and I'm considering doing Pilates on Saturday mornings. They also have a fitness area and a gym you can play basketball in. I'm really excited about beginning all of these great things. And, I've noticed the more activity I do the more I run to the bathroom. I don't understand the connection but oh well. I've learned that running to the potty is a new part of my life. I think I've gotten use to it now. (Giggle... Giggle...)

Lunch... YUCK!

2009-12-28T15:17:00.002-05:00

In my last post I talked about my thoughts of going vegetarian. I know there is a word for being vegetarian but still eating seafood and fish. I just can't think of what it is. I'll have to look it up. Anyway, I saw online that Burger King has a Veggie Burger. So, I was all excited and I told myself I'm going to have to go and get one. And I did just that. By the time I was able to go to lunch I was starving. My intentions were to get just the veggie burger sandwich and nothing else. By the time I made it to Burger King, I was so hungry when she asked me if I wanted the meal I couldn't help but say YES. I decided to hang out at the good ole' BK and eat my lunch. I ate a couple of fries and decided it was time to dig into my veggie burger. (Oh... I also got cheese on it too.) I open it up and go for my first bite. Hmmm... not too bad. I go in for my second bite. Now I'm kind of getting a weird taste. Not real sure about it so I decide to go for a third. Okay... not really getting into it and not really liking the taste of it. I decided instead of wasting the whole thing I would just take the veggie burger off and eat all the fixings. I was even able to slide the cheese off of it! How exciting! I thought this was going to be A-OK. I take my first bite and I notice I can still taste the veggie burger. I try not to think about it. I take my second bite and had to spit it out. I was gagging at this point and couldn't eat anymore of it. Let's just say it is a good thing I got French fries too. If I hadn't... I would be one starving chic right now. Ugh... better luck next meal:(

Once a year...

2009-12-27T21:05:00.003-05:00

I have to admit I am really glad Christmas only comes once a year. I find it to be the most stressful holiday ever! I stress over trying to find the perfect gift for everyone. Then I stress over trying to find everything I need. And then I stress over trying to be able to afford everything. Ugh... I always say I will start earlier and I'll get a savings account for Christmas only... blah... blah... blah. I haven't done either of those. So, I guess you could say for next year that could be one of my New Years Resolutions. If I say I'm going to do something I'm going to follow through with it.

Aside from all of that, the stress and emotions I've been going through haven't been very helpful for myself or my monster. Christmas day and even yesterday became very hard days for me. Traveling around from house to house and eating each place I went took its toll on you know what. Ugh... it was bad. Let's just say I was glad the bathrooms at Borders Bookstore were upstairs and empty!!!!

I have been trying to pay attention to what triggers my flare ups. Is it stress, eating all of the wrong foods, or is it eating too much food at one time? I'm going to say it is a bit of all the above. I've noticed when I stress a lot, or when I eat too many sweets or too much junk food, or when I eat a big meal I will go through a bit of a flare up. So, knowing all of this, I know I need to stop and make the changes I need to make.

One of the changes I have thought about making is I am considering becoming a vegetarian. I still want to eat seafood or fish, but I am considering staying away from chicken, beef, and everything else. Any suggestions from anyone? Is anyone else a vegetarian struggling with UC? If so, please help me with your experiences. I figure it is worth a try. Let me know.

I hope everyone had a great Christmas!!!

Delayed Reaction

2009-11-10T10:32:00.006-05:00

Lately I have been faced with so many different issues. It seems like there is one right after another and each one has challenged me in a different way. I have had my morals and beliefs questioned. I have had my judgements tried. Let me tell ya... it has been really hard at times!

I am not one to judge some body's decision. I know it is always so easy to say what you would do if you were in the same situation. But... 9 times out of 10, it is always different when that same situation is looking you right in the eyes. I learned this the hard way. So, instead of judging somebody, I try to understand their thoughts and try to see things from both sides. Some times it works and sometimes it doesn't.

For those of you who don't really know me, I am the kind of person who tends to take on the world's problems. If somebody close to me is hurting, I hurt. If somebody close to me is struggling, I will try to find a way to help them out. I have tried to change this a little bit, but it hasn't been working very well. Consider it a work in process kind of change. But because of everything I've taken on myself, I'm completely out of remission.

I know we have all questioned if stress plays a part of the dreaded monster and I believe it does. Only, I have noticed it is a delayed reaction for me. All of this I have been dealing with has been going on for the past month or so. I could tell I was slowly sinking back in, but didn't really think too much about it. I figured I could easily pull myself out and be okay. My symptoms were present but pretty mild. Now I'm thinking it isn't going to be that easy. Yesterday it started coming on full force.

I took myself off of all of my medicines a few months ago. Things were going good for me and I was handling life pretty well. Even stressful times didn't effect me. I guess all of it is catching up to me now. It's okay though. This isn't anything I haven't experienced before and it isn't anything I can't handle. I just hope I can get it under control before I go back to my GI doctor next month. I don't want to go back on steroids. :-(

Normal foods... no more!!!

2009-10-23T11:18:00.007-04:00

Okay... I feel like my UC is hanging around just enough to remind it still exists. I still get the growling and rumbling in my stomach while eating or not eating. I have had a couple of pains this week and a few quick trips to the restroom. But nothing too extreme. I have been eating pretty normal and everything seemed to be okay except...

With the changing of the seasons comes the changing of foods. One of the most popular foods in the fall are apples. I love apples!! All sorts of apples... the green ones... the red ones... I'm not picky. I'll eat apples plain, with peanut butter, or with carmel dip. Apples seem simple right... WRONG! I went to the store and bought three green apples. I decided to take one to work with me to eat it as a snack. Ten minutes after I started eating it the pains began and off to the potty I went. Ugh... I quickly learned raw apples are no longer for me. I haven't tried cooked apples but I have been thinking about it. I would love to find a good recipe for apple crisp. This discovery made me so sad :(

I also learned that latte = coffee which = not good! I have been going to Panera Bread and ordering their Chai Tea Lattes. Love them! Well, one day last week I went to Panera Bread to get a Chai Tea Latte and saw that the Pumpkin Spice Latte was back. (Again, something that comes with the seasons.) It honestly didn't click this could be coffee related until I got up to the window at the drive thru. Then I realized it. What was I to do? I couldn't ask her to take it back... so I took it. In the beginning it wasn't bad. Of course it tasted really good. Towards the middle... the pains began and so did the sprints to the bathroom. Oh boy did I learn my lesson that day.

I guess I figured since I wasn't in the midst of a flare up that all normal foods would be fair game. I quickly learned I was wrong. Will we ever be able to eat normal foods? I mean all normal foods? I use to drink coffee every Friday as my "pick me up" for the end of the week. It was like my treat to myself for making it through another week. I am no longer able to do that. Another thing that makes me sad! :(

Oh the joys of UC!!! More major lifestyle changes to come...

UC... Welcome Back!!!

2009-10-05T09:41:00.011-04:00

"With everything that has happened to you, you can either feel sorry for yourself or treat what has happened as a gift. Everything is either an opportunity to grow or an obstacle to keep you from growing. You get to choose." Wayne Dryer

I get QOD's (quotes of the day) emailed to me each day. The quote above is the quote I received today and how perfect is it. It reminds me of the post I did not too long about about dealing with this monster forever and how do I get past it. I think I am going to look at this "monster" in a different light. Everything happens for a reason... right? Well... this is just another obstacle to overcome in my life. I'm trying to look at the positive things about it rather than the negative. Positive... you lose weight... you are forced to eat healthy... ummm... I'll have to get back with you on more positive things. I can only come up with two right now.

So, my symptoms are beginning to come back. I have a sore in my mouth that is hurting SO bad. Last night I used some of my "magic potion" that my family doctor prescribed to me. I woke up this morning and it is still there and still hurts. My stomach has been gurgling like crazy and loud at that! It doesn't matter if I eat something or nothing. Saturday I was at a funeral and my stomach gurgled so loud. Oh and the room was so quiet you could hear a pin drop! And of course... everyone turned to look at me. I just kind of smiled, shrugged my shoulders and said quietly "sorry." The good thing is they all thought I was just hungry because it was early in the morning but I knew differently. I have also begun getting cramps in my legs and my neck. It seems like my electrolytes get all out of whack during this time too. As far as going to the potty, I had an attack yesterday after I ate lunch. I'm hoping it will just be here and there and I won't get up to speed by going 10-15 times a day like before. I'm not bleeding which is awesome!!! Sorry... I know some of you could have made it through this post without knowing that piece of info. So, I'm just going to watch what I eat, keep taking my Asacol, and try to watch what I'm stressing over. I guess really that is all I can do at this point. This time... I think I'm okay with it. At least for right now I am :)

A Must Have!!!!

2009-09-27T21:51:00.010-04:00

I decided to take a break from such serious post and let everyone know about an awesome product I have found that everyone should have... if you don't have it already. It is called Poo Pourri!

www.poopourri.com

This is the best stuff that has ever been invented. I first heard about Poo Pourri at a party. A friend of mine saw it at a craft fair. I didn't believe her when she said it really did work. The way it works is, you spray about 4-6 sprays in the toilet before you have to go poo. The oils in the spray traps the smell in the toilet and nobody ever knows! I don't know about anyone else, but there is nothing worse than when you are out and you have to go No.2 and somebody walks into the same stall after you or walks into the bathroom after you have been in there. Talk about humiliation! Now, you won't have to worry about that anymore. Trust me, this stuff has become my new best friend. I have a little bottle I keep in my purse at all times. You never know when "it" is going to hit!

Go ahead... check it out! I promise... you won't be sorry you did!!!

Dealing with forever...

2009-09-18T10:51:00.000-04:00

I have been able to find so many people who are living with the same ugly disease that I am living with. Some have been going through it for many years while others only a few. Me, I'm going on two months since I was actually diagnosed. Reading other blogs has been such a huge help for me. I wish I would have done this so much sooner. It is hard to explain what you are going through to somebody who has never been through it. They can't really understand your frustrations, your pains, or your fears.

I talked to my Mom last night and told her all about the people I have read about and I told her about their stories. I told her it seems like with each and every story... the ugly UC always seems to come back. I know this is something that will never go away. I know that I am going to have it for the rest of my life. Even though I know this I am still finding it so hard to get a grasp on it. I sometimes feel like I am waiting around for "it" to return. I have started to have a few symptoms lately that I am trying to fight off. I guess I figure if I don't think about it or ignore it... the symptoms will go away.

So, my question is... how do I deal with the fact that I will have this for the rest of my life? How do I put myself at ease about it returning instead of feeling like I am just sitting around waiting for the next time? How do you handle knowing the one thing you want to go away the most never will? Suggestions please????

Doctor's Visit...

2009-09-08T10:22:00.000-04:00

Friday was my check up with my GI Specialist. I was anxious to go so I could find out what my blood tests were going to show. Plus I had many questions to ask him this time around. My blood tests revieled that my levels (whatever the one's he has been testing) have improved. He told me my nutritional levels were very good. He did say my iron level was low. I thought that was a little strange because the blood work I had done with my family doctor said my iron level was okay. I don't think it would drop that much in a weeks time, but then again I didn't know. He said eventually my body will begin making iron on its own. He thinks it may just take a little more time than what we had given it. So, he will test me again in three months.

I asked him questions about feeling bloated after I eat. He asked me how long after I eat do I begin to feel this way. I said it happens within 30 minutes or so. He told me my motility has not recovered 100% yet. I guess I didn't realize how beat up I had let myself get. He said in time that too should recover.

I told him how much I loved Predisone. He told me I looked a little fuller but I looked healthy. Healthy... my face is fat and now I'm breaking out worse than ever! How can that be considered healthy? So, I gave him my usual dirty look and he just laughed at me. Really, I know there is nothing he can do for me except tell me it will take time to get back to normal. I did take the last of my Prednisone this weekend so hopefully I will begin to get back to normal!!!! I just need to be careful so I don't have to go back on it. I'm sure I will get to experience it again one day, I'm just hoping that one day will not be anytime soon.

And... for everyone with UC, he did recommend I get a flu shot. I have never had a flu shot before. I have always heard horror stories about when people get a flu shot they end up getting the flu. I know and understand the virus is dead, but if that is the case then why do some people get sick afterwards? This will be the first year I get to experience it. I'll have to let you know how it goes. Hopefully I will be proven wrong.

AND... I have to go and have more blood work done. I have been having really bad cramping in my legs and in my toes. He thinks my electrolytes may be out of balance. So, I plan to have more blood work done this week so I can get this mess taken care of. GEEZE... I have had more blood taken these past few months than I have my whole life!!!!

Other than that my doctor's visit went really well. It looks like everything is getting better and I am improving. I really hope it stays this way. There are a few things I need to get under control but these are things only I can control. Not the doctor and not medicine. It does help knowing I have such a strong support group behind me. Some times they tend to use tough love when I'm down and in the dumps, which only makes me worse, but I know they are helping me. I have learned and realized if I didn't have them... I wouldn't be where I am today. Thanks Guys!

I don't like Prednisone!

2009-09-01T16:09:00.000-04:00

I have to admit I can understand completely why one of the side effects of Prednisone is depression. My highest dose of Prednisone was 20 mg and I was on that dose for about 15-20 days. Then gradually I have been decreasing my dosage. I guess you would think the side effects wouldn’t really bother me much since I am on such a low dose. But, I don’t believe that to be true at all. You have to add in about 10 mg that your body creates on its own. So, I’ve been on 30 mg where normally I should have started out on 40 mg prescribed from the doctor. Over the past few days I have noticed changes in my muscles and my body in general. Today I feel as though my face looks fatter than ever. Usually when I gain weight or lose weight it happens in my face first. Now, I’m noticing my fingers are beginning to swell up and I’ve already talked about the rest of me feeling squishy. I have two spots on my chin that look like they are going to blossom into nice little pimples. Another perfect side effect you can experience from the Prednisone. Lovely! I have happened to experience the best! These are both two things that can make anyone depressed!!!

I’m going to try and cut back on my salt intake. I’m going to watch what I eat and drink. I’m going to start drinking more water/kool-aid. I think the other thing I need to start doing is taking out time for me. I’ve been taking care of everyone else lately and worrying about what is going on in their lives and I have pushed my needs to the side… once again. I went to the park this past weekend and just sat at a picnic table and watched the people by myself. It was the best thing ever. I was only able to sit there for about 30 minutes before I had to leave and get ready for my nephew’s birthday party. But those 30 minutes was the best. I’m beginning to fall back into old habits, which is not good for my health at all. I have to stay on top of my game and keep me on top. I’ve fallen off, but I’m ready to begin the climb back up.

How do you feel?

2009-08-27T08:23:00.000-04:00

I think this is one of the most asked questions. How do I feel? Do I feel better? I wish I knew. Yes, I do feel so much better than I did two months ago. I didn't realize until recently how bad I really was back then. But now... it just depends. I think I go back and forth and I'm not really sure if I will be "normal" again. (Yes... I know I will never be mentally normal... but it's always fun to think I might be one day. Ha Ha) I think it will all take time and I think in steps I could possibly be okay.

I had updated blood work done this past week to check me for anemia. I got my results back yesterday and my levels are back in the normal range. (See... normal just may be in my future!) So, I am no longer anemic and I no longer have to take iron supplements. YEA!!! That was great news. I have to go back at the end of October to be tested again and make sure my levels stay up.

I am going to go tomorrow to have more blood work done to have certain levels tested for my GI Specialist. I can't read his writing or I would tell you which levels he is having tested. I go back to see him on September 4th.

Today I'm down to only 5 mg of my Prednisone. Only ten days to go and I'll be completely free from steroids!!! That makes me really happy. I've noticed I'm beginning to get squishy. I have been told I still don't have the round moon face that you can have after being on steroids for a while, but I still don't agree. I think I do. Plus my body just feels squishy. I don't like that feeling at all. I decided to take matters into my own hands and do what I could to change that feeling. Monday, I did one of my video tape workouts (The Firm) and I felt really good afterwards. Tuesday I was a little sore and Wednesday I was even worse, but it felt good. So, that is going to be a new challenge for me. Working out again and getting myself into a new routine.

There are two things I plan to talk to my doctor about when I go next week. The first one is my toes tend to cramp up and I feel shooting pain all the way up my leg to my thigh. I started taking a calcium supplement since I haven't been able to drink much milk (I'm now lactose intolerant.) and I've started eating bananas for potassium. The other thing I need to talk to my doctor about is the headaches I am getting. It only happens on the left side. It litterally feels like my head is pounding. I know that some medicines, my Prednisone, can be the cause of migraines, but I have never had a migraine before (that I know of) so I can't be certain that is what is going on. I'll be able to give more information after I see him next week.

More updates to come and challenges I face :) On the road to recovery!!!!

Not so good :(

2009-08-20T11:52:00.000-04:00

Today hasn't been very good. I don't know if it is because I'm really tired or because I have a splitting headache (due to sinuses I'm sure), but it seems like everything else in me is being attacked too. I've already been to the bathroom four times this morning since I woke up and my pains are much worse than what they have been. I haven't been stressed out over anything major so I don't think that could be it this time. I just know I have learned to really cherish the good days because when the bad days come along... they really do come along!

Hopefully this won't last all day...

Updates...Updates...Updates...

2009-08-18T08:28:00.001-04:00

Wow... it has been a long time since I last post anything. I guess you can say between work and me starting a new class I've been a little busy. Maybe not so busy physically as I have been mentally. But, everything is beginning to settle down and I decided to make some time to post and let everyone know how things have been going.

Okay... first things first... MEDICINES!

Prednisone:
Still no negative side effects. I have noticed my taste buds have changed and been altered just a little bit. I use to love Diet Coke or Diet Pepsi and now... not so much. Both of them taste like carbonated water. It taste like there isn't much syrup in either of them. So, I've been drinking a lot of tea and the regular soda drinks which I know are not good for me. They tend to pack on the calories! I thought the other day that I was beginning to get the moon face thing going on. I asked a friend at work and she said no. I asked my Mom and she flew off the handle at me. She told me I wasn't on a strong enough dose nor had I been on them long enough for it to effect me in that way. I still believe I have it just a little bit and everyone is just to afraid to tell me. :(

Loperamide:
Be careful if you take this medicine. It does work and it will hold off all of your bowel movements. BUT... it will also give you a lot of pain and make you feel so bloated for days. And once the medicine wears off, beware! I don't really recommend taking this medicine unless you absolutely have to. The side effects and the pains I experienced were not worth it to me at all. I would much rather not eat than deal with the pains and discomfort I felt from this medicine.

Asacol 800 mg:
Recently the makers of Asacol created a dose that doubled the original dose. I have been on Asacol 400 mgs for a few years now. My GI doctor suggested I go up to 800 mgs. He wrote me a prescription and gave me a coupon for $25.00 three refills. So, I took it to the pharmacy and they told me it will be $106 without the coupon. I about passed out! I said, "What?" She said it is like $599 without insurance paying for anything. She said if they could get their system to take the coupon it would only be $75.00. I still could not believe how much this medicine cost. I kept thinking I can go back to my 400 mg and only pay like $50. Come to find out, the pharmacy I was at would not accept the manufacturers coupon and the medicine was going to be over $100. I made the decision not to accept it and stuck with my 400 mgs. I just take enough to get me to 1600 mg like he wanted me to be on. So, be careful if you are prescribed the 800mg Asacol. You will pay a lot for it.

That's all with the medicines I am on. I only have about 20 days left with the prednisone and I should be able to be completely off of it unless my doctor wants me to continue on. I have my next follow up appointment on September 4. I'll give updates afterwards.

Many of you might remember food is and was becoming my enemy. Well, I'm learning to live with the changes I have had to make. Here is a list of items that I can not eat at all!!!

Ice Cream - unless it is lactose free but I haven't found any yet
Milk - unless it is lactose free
Popcorn
Cheeseburgers
French Fries
Salad
Anything fried
Really greasy food

I will be honest and say some of the things I eat I just grin and bear it. I can't go without eating anything (even though I would really love to!), so I have been trying to make sacrifices. I don't go to McDonald's anymore. If I do I get a grilled chicken sandwich and something to drink. I go to a lot of sub shops or places like McAllisters or Panera Bread. Oh yea... another thing I can't eat not only because it gives me really bad pains but also because the taste of it has changed for me is broccoli cheddar soup at Panera Bread. It use to be my absolute favorite. I've had to learn to let go of it. It just doesn't work.

And as for me in general... I honestly couldn't tell you if I was getting better or not. I really don't know what getting better feels like. Just when I think things are changing and I might be improving, other signs and symptoms tell me I'm still right were I have been. So, I think I have come to terms with my situation and my condition. I'm okay with going to the bathroom all the time. I don't like the pains I get, but other than that I'm learning how to handle it. I will say one good thing about it... it is helping me maintain my weight and even helping me to lose weight!!! A girl can't go wrong there!!! But... I know being healthy is much more important than how much I weigh or how much I still want to lose.

As my Dad always says... one day at a time. That is all I can do!

Today is a good day!

2009-07-27T08:12:00.000-04:00

Awesome news... I didn't have to have a biopsy done!!!! I was so relieved. When I went to the dermatologist he looked at my leg and instantly spit out the same word my GI specialist said. Again, I couldn't repeat it if I tried. Basically what is going on is my body is having an allergic reaction to fighting off the main infection. It normally attacks the areas of the shin and since there isn't much room between your bone and your skin, it becomes more obvious. For a few days it was pretty swollen and very sore. Once I started on my Prednisone, it went down very quick. I have a dark area where it is. I can still feel it but it isn't sore. I don't think it is real obvious unless you know about it.

I still don't have my results back from any of my test. NONE! I'm going to call all the doctor's offices today and see what they know. I just can't understand how they want to get you in so quickly to get all of your testing done right away, but then they slack on the results. It doesn't make much sense to me at all. So, hopefully I will have new information from those today.

I am happy to say I have not had any negative side effects from the Prednisone. I know when I first mentioned to anyone I was going to have to take it, everyone began saying every negative thing they could possibly say about the side effects. Maybe I'm not having any of the negative effects because I'm not on that high of a dosage, but I just want to let everyone know it isn't always true what people say! I am having some negative effects from another medicine I'm taking. My GI Specialist prescribed me Loperamide. This was prescribed to me to help slow down the movement in my stomach so hopefully my body will have time to absorb nutrients from the food I eat. It is working but it is making my pains worse and not allowing my body to do what it needs to do. I've decided to hold off on taking any more of those until I see my GI Specialist on Wednesday. I'll tell you more information on those after my appointment.

So, so far today is a really good day. I'm not nauseous, I haven't had any bad pains (just a few uncomfortable ones), and I'm doing okay today! I've learned to cherish every good day because you just never know what tomorrow might bring!!! It is what it is!!!

I pray that it is over...

2009-07-21T09:25:00.000-04:00

Yesterday was my visit with my GI Specialist. Mom came to pick me up at 1:15 pm for my 2:00 pm appointment. When I first saw my new doctor the first thing that came to mind was..."He looks like Dilbert the cartoon character!" So, that took away some of the anxiety I was feeling at the time. He begins asking me questions and wanting to know my story. So, I opened up and told him everything I had been going through over the past few months. I even threw in the two episodes I had had in the beginning of the year. I found out a lot of information... some that was good and some that was bad. When the bad news begin to flow, I think I ended up just tuning him out because I began feeling so overwhelmed and so scared. I just thought in my head... when will this end!

Last week I noticed my right ankle was swollen. My left ankle was a little swollen but nothing like my right. It scared me a lot because I didn't understand what was going on with me. So, we mentioned this to my GI Specialist yesterday at my appointment. He instantly becomes concerned and began spitting out medical words that I couldn't begin to repeat to save my life. Next thing I know, he is on the phone with a dermatologist scheduling me an appointment to have a biopsy done of the spot I found on my right shin.

In the midst of talking to me about all of this stuff, he tells me he would like for me to go on Prednisone. I instantly got upset. I knew the side effects of this steroid and I didn't want to hear that word. I was able to explain to him that my body is sensitive to medicine and giving me a dose that would normally work for most people is too much for me. So, he compromised with me and put me on 20 mg instead of 40 mg. I was very thankful. I know this will help me. I just know that 40 mg were too much. He did say if I can tolerate 30 mg he would like for me to bump it up. I agreed to try.

Along with Prednisone he wrote me prescriptions for several other drugs and I had to have more blood work done. It was one thing after another yesterday. It was all so overwhelming. Today I just feel exhausted. I'm on information overload. I'm ready to get myself back to normal and get myself healthy again. I feel sometimes feel like throwing my arms up and screaming I'll do anything just please no more. I think I am beginning to learn my strengths and learn just how strong of a person I am. Maybe this is the reason God is putting me through all of these triumphs and tribulations. To prove to me I am a strong person and it is time for me to show it. Whatever the reason may be... I know he isn't doing this to punish me. It has taken me some time to get that through my head though... I will be honest. But I do think I have reached the point to where I'm ready to say..."No more... please!" And yes... I do understand there are people out there who are going through so much worse things than what I am going through. And I am very sorry for them. I just know... I've reached my limit for this episode. I'm ready for a little break... please!!!

More to come... oh... and still no results from my biopsies of my colonoscopy. How ridiculous is that!

Frustration...

2009-07-16T08:09:00.000-04:00

It all started yesterday and is continuing over into today. I am so frustrated by what is going on with me. I'm frustrated with not being able to eat like a normal person and be able to enjoy what I eat. Instead I have to play close attention to what I eat and pray that it won't cause me to have serious consequenses afterwards. And then when I think I'm eating okay, I find myself up all night going to the bathroom in pain. When will it end????

My colonoscopy was done last Friday. Yes, I said last Friday. I called my family doctor on Tuesday to see if they had any of the results back and they had nothing! So, today is Thursday and I still have nothing! I'm not sure why I am so anxious to get the results back because still nothing is going to happen right away. Once I get back my results, then I am going to be referred to a GI specialist. I have no idea how long it will take me to get into to see her. This doctor is going to be the one who will decide if I we will be able to get my UC under control with medicines or if I will need to have surgery. In the mean time, I am miserable!

This whole week I have not had much sleep at all. I'm really surprised I'm not asleep at my desk right now. But, I did find out one of the medications I am on, one of the side effects is trouble sleeping. Yea for me! I just want relief! I just want to know what the heck is going on with me and I want to get treatment started whatever it may be!

As for the whole food thing... I plan to go back to doing a liquid diet as much as I possibly can. I can't handle the pains from food and I'm sure it isn't good on my colon either. I just want it to be all over with. I have been going through this going on two months now. I'm ready for it to end. :(

"What are you doing today that will improve your life?"

2009-07-15T07:53:00.000-04:00

I couldn't have titled this blog better myself! This morning when I got to work, my motivational quote was, "What are you doing today that will improve your life?" I thought that was so weird and so appropriate for what I was planning on blogging about this morning. Wow... it goes back to everything happens for a reason!

The past few days I have done a lot of thinking. I know the situation I am in is not necessarily life threatening. What I mean by that is I didn't have a brush with death. I haven't been diagnosed with a terminally ill disease. And... over all... I'm pretty healthy. But, my thoughts have been very different lately. I have given myself time to look back over the past few years. I have thought about the bad things I did to my body. The stress I allowed myself to take on. The way I have eaten and not stuck with an exercise routine. The times I got drunk and did things I don't remember doing. I guess now you can say I'm not a saint by any means. But all that was then. Today is a different day and I have a different view on my life than what I did yesterday.

I have been referred to many times as a "people pleaser." I do everything or anything I can in order to make somebody else happy... even if it leaves me feeling frustrated or angry. I will go out of my way for somebody else or do things when I have 100 different things to do myself. I don't want to be this way anymore. Yes, I do want to make people happy but not if it doesn't make me happy too. It should go both ways not just one. And, if I decide not to do something for somebody else and it ends up making them feel angry or sad, then those are feelings they chose to have. I didn't make them feel that way. They made that decision on their own. And with that thought in place, I also have to stop feeling guilty for the way other people feel. I tend to take the guilt onto myself. I don't need to and I don't want to any more.

I know everyone has opinions about things you should do like how you should live your life, who they feel you should be friends with and who they feel you shouldn't give the time of day to, or how you should feel or not feel. The truth is, only you know what you want, how you feel, or what you should do. Yes, it is nice to have the opinion of somebody else but don't feel obligated to take it. That's just it... it is their opinion. You still need to do what you feel is best for you and what you can live with. This is another situation I have a hard time with some times. If somebody tells me that they don't believe I should be friends with so and so or that I shouldn't still care about somebody, I try to listen to what they say and believe it... even if deep down inside it isn't how I feel. There is a particular somebody I am referring to and yes he has hurt me several times. But I believe because we are in different places in our lives and because our relationship isn't the same as what it once was things are different and it's okay now. That is... it is okay for me. It doesn't have to be okay for anyone else but me. My life... my decisions!

Some of the other things I am going to work towards changing is the way I take care of my body physically. I'm going to eat better and stay away from the greasy fried foods. I actually have to do that now because of my flare up. But, I know it will be best for me to do it for a lifestyle change too. My body doesn't need the extra weight. Every now and again I know won't hurt but every day is a little much. I need to drink more water and less Diet Coke or Diet Pepsi. I have been working on this and I'm finding I actually like water more than what I thought. And, once I get my energy level back up I'm going to start making exercise a daily routine. No more exercise this day... oh I can't that day because I have to do this or that. It is time for me to get strict with myself and stick with it. And one more thing that I need to begin doing that goes along with what I eat is not stuffing myself everytime I eat. My body doesn't need all of the food my eyes believes it needs. A little bit is enough for me. If I want more and later there is more then I can get more. But I don't need to stuff myself each and every time I have food in front of me.

So, as you can see I've thought a lot about my life and have decided to make some changes starting now. How about you? Are you ready to make the changes that are needed for your life?

New Diagnosis

2009-07-14T09:38:00.001-04:00

"No news is good news... right?" Ummm... not always!

I ended up breaking down and going to see my family doctor last week. My symptoms had lasted over a month and I knew something wasn't right. My family doctor did blood work and also said it was time to schedule another colonoscopy. The last one I had was three years ago. I knew it was time for another and especially since my symptoms had worsened. Lucky for me they were able to get me in on Friday.

The prep for the procedure is always the worst. This time around it wasn't any better. Actually I think it was worse. I didn't have much food in me to begin with because I have been so afraid to eat. I decided the pain I get after eating is much worse than enjoying the taste of food and feeling full. Around midnight the night before my colonoscopy, I finally got 2 liters of the prep down. It was a complete struggle. When Friday morning came, I had to begin drinking another liter. I was able to drink a half glass and then I called it quits. I couldn't do it.

My Mom took me to my appointment. I was able to get in earlier which was good. I was really scared this time. I knew deep down my situation had gotten worse. I knew I hadn't taken care of myself and I blew off my first diagnosis as something minor. I began to tear up and my heart began to speed up as they wheeled me back to the procedure room. I knew the worst was over but I didn't know what was to come.

After my procedure, the doctor came in and I was still a little out of it. I heard him talking to my Mom telling my Mom I had ulcers all throughout my colon. I heard him telling her that he took biopsies and an aspiration of fluid that he was able to find. He said it was definite I had ulcerative colitis. I remember him talking about referring me to see a gastrointestinal doctor and letting her decide what the best treatment for me would be. Would they be able to treat me with medication or would I have to have surgery? The surgery word alarmed me.

I also got back my blood work that same day. The nurse told me I was extremely anemic. Your hemoglobin level is suppose to be around 12. Mine was at 8.9. She said transfusion level is around a 7. I guess this explained why I have been so tired and weak. I have had no energy to really do anything lately. Because of this diagnosis, my doctor put me on iron pills right away.

I still don't have the results back from my colonoscopy. I am hoping I will get those back today. I am ready to doing what ever it is I need to do. I just want the pains to go away and the instant urges of going to the bathroom to decrease. The pains are the worst. Some have been so bad that I get nauseous. I want to be normal again and eat normal food. I know my life is really going to have to change from here on out. I'm going to have to start taking care of myself in every single way. I don't want to go through this again. I pray for remission.

I'll write more once my results have come in...

So, I gave in...

2009-07-02T08:59:00.000-04:00

Ugh... I have been tired of feeling starved. It seems like no matter what I eat, it all comes right back out. The difference between what I eat depends on how long it takes to come back out. Last night I gave in and ate ice cream. I know dairy is something that should be eliminated and I have done SO good for SO long. I haven't eaten ice cream in months just because of the fear I have. All of that ended last night. I didn't eat a lot. It was only a few bites. But... I have to admit... it wasn't worth it at all! It was less than 40 minutes and I found myself in the bathroom in pain.

I have realized I can eat anything I want to eat. It just depends on how bad I want my pain to be and how quickly I want to find myself in the bathroom. I also had a realization yesterday too. The last time I went and saw my doctor and he recommended I go on the elimination diet. Well, after doing research and doing some deep thinking... I realized the elimination diet really isn't the best thing for me. This diet is high in fiber with all the fruits and vegetables that are recommended. It does eliminate grains, wheat, and things like that but it still lets you eat nuts. Some nuts are high in fiber. After eating a salad yesterday for lunch I suddenly realized this isn't the best thing for me.

So, I guess you could say I'm back to the drawing board. I have learned that dairy and fried foods are the absolute worst for me. I just need to continue on my journey to find out what will work best for me.

The search continues...

Food is becoming my enemy...

2009-07-01T07:58:00.001-04:00

I am beginning to really despise food. It seems like no matter what I eat, my stomach will still find a way to cramp up with some of the worst pains and then I'm running to the bathroom. I have tried eating like I normally would (cheeseburger, sandwiches, pizza) and that didn't work. So, I have decided to give in to my UP (ulcerative proctitis). The only problem is... I don't know what is going to work and what isn't.

The last flare up I had my doctor put me on the elimination diet. Basically with this diet you see which foods may cause you problems. You start out eating... well... honestly nothing. Okay... so you do get to eat but it is mainly certain fruits, vegetables and rice. It seems like everything circles around rice. You can have rice milk, rice noodles, brown rice, cream of rice... rice...rice...rice! It is some what of a bland diet. Instead of going back to the elimination diet, I thought I would look online to see what other people are saying or what advice I may be able to find. I'm not sure if that was a big mistake or not. I found so many different things. One site would tell me to eat x amount of dairy, x amount of sweets, stay away from grains and wheat, eat regular pasta. Then I would find diets that say to stay away from dairy, sweets, caffeine, regular pasta, raw fruits and vegetables. Ugh... What is right and what is wrong?????

So, I think I'm going to just going to create a diet all of my own. I'm going to try things and see what my reaction is to them. What can it hurt... right? I'm already waking up in the middle of the night rushing to the bathroom. And then 100 times more during the day... something has got to give! I just know it.

I'll keep posting what works and what doesn't. If anyone has any suggestions for me on what works for them, please share with me. I'm willing to try anything.

More to come...

The Beginning - Ulcerative Proctitis

2009-06-30T12:00:00.000-04:00

It all began about three years ago. I went to the bathroom to do my thing and I noticed blood in my stool. The first couple of times I didn't really think anything about it. Then I began to notice more and more. I started to panic. My Mom is a retired RN so I called her to find out what might be wrong. She told me to call my doctor and it was probably nothing serious. Of course, my first thought was I had cancer. (My father passed away of cancer last year so I knew it ran in my genes.)

I first made an appointment with my family doctor. He did a sigmoidoscopy and referred me to a general surgeon who specializes in colon/rectal care. Instantly I was scheduled for a colonoscopy. Of course I became frightened not knowing what was really going on with me. Let me tell ya... the prep for my colonoscopy was miserable! I was up the entire night going to the bathroom. Sorry, I can't sugar coat this procedure. There was one point in the middle of the night when I can remember I just wanted to die. I was so uncomfortable and my face was so flushed. I just wanted to go to the pearly gates and call it a night. The good thing was I made it through the night. The procedure itself was not bad at all. They knock you out and you don't feel a thing. Sure enough, the results from my colonoscopy showed I had ulcers in the lower part of my colon or my rectal area. I was put on a couple of different medications to cure it. I had only a mild case so my doctor wasn't extremely worried about it.

That was about three years ago... today... life is a little different. I ended up going into remission for quite a while and then found myself out of it again. Twice now I have had flare ups that are so painful. The first flare up I had, lasted maybe two weeks. I did my best to take my medicines and try to eat the best I could. I was put on the elimination diet which basically you can only eat things that contain rice. I was unable to have any breads with gluten in them, I couldn't have certain fruits or vegetables, nor could I have any dairy foods of any kind. It eventually went away only to come back again. This time has been much worse for me. It has lasted longer than two weeks and there was one point in time this past weekend I almost had to call 911.

Let me be honest for a minute. When the second flare up happened, I didn't take my medicines consistently and continued eating whatever I wanted to eat. Two weekends ago I was down the entire weekend. It was the weekend of Father's Day. I was so weak and so sick I couldn't do much of anything. I tried to take a shower that Saturday and found myself lying on the floor in the shower. I felt faint and nauseous. It was that weekend that changed my outlook on my situation. It was time to get myself back up and get going. I needed to be consistent with my medicines and I needed to start taking extra good care of myself. This meant eating the foods I knew wouldn't make me feel worse but make me feel better.

My whole last experience has led me up to this point. I decided I wanted to blog about my experiences and the day to day obstacles I face. I am hoping there might be somebody out there who could offer me advice just as I hope there is somebody out there that I can offer advice too. I have looked for support groups in my local area and have not had much luck in finding any. So, this was the next best thing. If I can help you or somebody you might know, please don't hesitate to ask. I'm here for support.

More to post later...